Today I woke up at 8 and went downstairs to make some breakfast. It was freaking freezing at 42 degrees inside the house. I got all wrapped up in coats, scarves, and blankets and cooked myself two eggs and two pieces of bacon. Then I sat on the couch and downloaded some song onto Samson while waiting for Nana to wake up and light the furnaces. There is no central heating in the house, so the furnaces and fireplace are the only heat sources we have, and since they run on propane I am always scared of lighting them because one time the one in the parlor burned my hair. They always seem to blow out fire when I light them. Nana woke up around 9 and lit the fires and made me some hot coffee. It didn't take long to warm up and I sat in the rocker next to the fireplace and kept downloading songs. I am slowly but surely gaining all my old songs back. Samson has missed them. And I'm adding new ones to the mix as well. Nana left to go play Bridge around 10:30 and I took that time to watch Frozen again. I freaking love that movie. I am getting to the point where I can quote the whole movie in unison hand gestures and all, not just the songs. Nana came home around noon and we prepared to go to the grocery store. But I didn't feel like going, so she went to the store and I went upstairs and talked to Carlton and Blaine on Skype. Can't really think of anything else too noteworthy that has happened today, but I'll keep ya posted; the day is young. Like me!

Today I woke up, made beggs and acon, and then promptly checked the mail. But Blaine's mail STILL hadn't arrived, and that threw me into a blind-rage of a panic attack. I blew up and screamed a bit and paced around cursing whichever mailman was the one who stole my mail. I finally got the attack under control by taking two Gabapentin, one Flexeril, and one Risperidone. Blaine convinced me that it will come sometime this week and to be patient, but I don't know. It seems like this is too long for it to be normal. I really think someone stole my mail. I feel so helpless when things like this happen because what can I do? I don't even know which post office stole it. But anywho, once the pills kicked in I was left in a dreamy haze all day and I watched Frozen twice, dozing off midway through the second time. I felt pretty nice in my cloud of drugged up delirium. It was pretty fun. I forgot how fun just simple pills can be. I've been hooked on weed for so long now that I seem to have forgotten that other drugs can be fun without a cloud of smoke attached. I like to stay high these days, and weed is the best way to do that. But I used to have a pretty stormy love affair with pills and other pharmaceuticals once upon a few years ago, and I have forgotten the satisfaction they can bring to my every-thirsting drug-lust. Mmmmm, nice, fuzzy, hazy, day-dream, bubble of downers. It was pleasant. The only other highlight of my day, besides the pill-high and watching Frozen, was that Carlton had some great news to break to me… And it could even just be the thing that saves our lives.

His uncle offered him a job in Odessa as a logging truck driver, which paid $1500 a week…. Let me repeat. $1500 A WEEK. And it gets better. There's a nice RV waiting for us to live in in a trailer park in Odessa and we can go there probably within the month to begin our new lives and get a fresh start at everything. This news could be the cure for everything. I don't want to get my hopes up though in case it doesn't pan out. But try as I might, there's this little voice in my head saying…

Could it be… My olive branch has arrived??

Today I ran outside and checked the mail to see if the $20 in cash Blaine had sent me had come yet. It hadn't and that pissed me off. He sent it on Saturday. It should've come by now. But I shrugged it off and kind of suffered through the day. Again, it wasn't a bad day. My reclusive tendencies were taking over and I laid about just chilling in my room. I talked to some people on Samson and that's about as social as I got. And I'm also writing this a few days later, so I don't really remember everything about this day, but I know that I haven't forgotten anything important. Today I did just about nothing. And I'm fine with that. Oh, but there is one thing… I found out that John Fox had been fired as head coach from the Broncos, by my hero, John Elway. I really don't know how I feel about this. I think Fox has done a great job. But apparently he and Elway didn't get along too well. So that's that. I wonder what will happen to us next season… I wonder who we'll get as coach. Well that's all for now folks.

Didn't do much today besides smoke up most of the stuff in my SAT and hide away being a recluse in my room. I was still upset over the loss last night so I grieved it and took it easy on myself. Didn't do much, didn't care. It wasn't really a bad day, just a day of rest and of course much sadness over the Broncos. Not gonna lie, I'm writing this a few days after the fact, so I kind of forget everything that I did, but at the same time I know I didn't do much. Like I said, it wasn't a bad day at all. Just a "meh" kind of day. Recovering and clearing my head.

Well, the night before had been one of the best parties of my life. So naturally, this morning was one of the worst mornings of my life. I got a whole hour of sleep before I had to wake up and get ready for church, and there was no faking sick because I knew that Nana would never let me go to a party on Saturday night again if I was too sick to go to church the next day. I threw on some clothes, and suffered through doing some makeup between puking spells, then got in the car to go to church. It was on the way there that I realized the XO was still working. And then I thought, 'DUH, you idiot. XO's last like 8-12 hours. It's only been like 4 or 5." Then I shrugged to myself and figured 'Hey, nothing I can do, at least I'll be rolling in church!' It was funny at church. Everyone was eyeing me like they could tell I'd been to a party last night. But no one could tell that I was indeed STILL partying, hahaha. I love it. I did not look my best and I knew it. I threw on my shades as soon as church let out, even before I left the building and I avoided talking to anyone at length. They did the Total Eclipse of the Heart routine in there that day and during the drugs part I laughed to myself thinking, 'If they only KNEW that their beloved little Shelley was sitting here rolling balls right in the pew next to her grandmonther.' It was so hilariously ironic. Although church was funny, I couldn't wait to get home and collapse in my bed, watch some football and chill. I was out of weed, and my sneak-a-toke was one of the casualties of the night, so I knew I couldn't smoke and that made me sad, but whateve. When I got home though, I spotted my sneak-a-toke on my floor! It must've fallen out of my purse when I got home or something! I sure was delighted to see that. I unscrewed it just to see if there were any ashes left I could smoke into resin, but to my even-more-delight, the thing was still freaking LOADED with weed! I sure was glad I stuffed so much weed in there. It was like 75% full still. I rejoiced and thanked God, but before I could use it, I had to go downstairs to eat lunch with Nana and Lorraine. I did a fairly good job suffering through it while forcing myself not to throw up, then I excused myself and crashed onto my bed and lit up while turning on football. It was panning out to be a pretty damn good day. Well, until the Broncos heartbreaking playoff loss that is… Sunday night concluded with a devastating loss to the Colts. And what's worse, everyone was saying that it was probably Peyton Manning's last game as a Broncos. God, I hope not. That would KILL me. Ugh, I was in mourning for my team, so I smoked a good bit of the dank left in my SAT, and fell asleep. It was a strange day.

Today I kept going back and forth between whether I should go to the party tonight or not. Nana wanted me to go to the store with her and later go to a Gideons' dinner that they have once a month where old people bring food that tastes like old people and sit around talking about Bibles. But there was also a football playoff game at 3:30 that I would surely miss if I went to the dinner. And on top of all that, I didn't really have a great outfit to wear, which I didn't like. So the toss up was between going to the store & the dinner & the party, but not seeing football & not having a cute outfit. If I stayed home "sick" to watch football though, Nana probably wouldn't let me go to the party, but at least I wouldn't have to worry about having nothing nice to wear. I was on the fence for a long time trying to weigh my options. Eventually I picked party because, well party over all. I am a party girl after all, and what's a party girl without a party? Also I am really trying to keep up my streak of attending a party once a week for this entire year, and so far it's panning out. So I still couldn't watch football or have anything nice to wear, but I would just have to deal with that. When I made my decision I went to the store with Nana and came home and Ashlee told me that she wanted to pick me up at 6 because they usually pre-game and get ready for the party at her place. So that would solve my dilemma of having nothing to wear, because I could get ready at her house and make sure my outfit wasn't too much worse than everyone else's. So I asked Nana if I could go to the party instead of the dinner, I told her it was a birthday party so I would have more reason to go. She happily granted me permission. Which also meant that while I was getting ready here I could watch football! So basically every little thing I was worried about actually worked out perfectly for me and I felt like I had made the right decision. I started doing my hair about thirty minutes before the game started and since it takes an hour to curl my whole head of long hair, I was in the middle of curling when Carlton asked if I was watching the game. The game! I had forgotten all about it in my gleeful hair-doing. I dropped the curling iron, and lunged for the remote. When I switched on the game, the first thing I saw were the Lions (who were playing the Pats, and I wanted the Pats to lose, obviously) running into the end zone with the ball. Touchdown Lions! It was then that I fell to my knees and prayed. 'Thank you God for giving me all of this! I am elated! I am joyful! I haven't felt like this in so long. And even if we don't win the game, even if the Pats win, I'm still going to have a great night. And I'm still going to thank you for it. I really, really am grateful and I love you. Thank you, thank you, thank you, muah, amen." Then I kept getting ready while watching the game. Around 6 Ashlee showed up and Cora and I got in the car where four other girls were waiting for me; Ashlee in the driver seat, Jennie in the passenger's seat, and two girls whom I forget their names! (Lol!) But they were really cool. Apparently they were Jennie's cousins or something like that. We went to Ashlee's house and had a blast getting ready and pre-gaming with the girls. After that we all piled back up in the car and drove to the party, where we were early and helped set up. The party was in this huge warehouse in someone's yard, and get this - it was on the next street over from my house, Wearden dr.! So I could walk home and be there in a minute or two if worst came to worse! I loved that. While the party people were setting up, Ashlee asked some guy with a bag of weed if we could fill up my sneak-a-toke with some weed from a baggy he had. He handed me the bag and I overpacked the hell out of that pipe. I probably stuffed a whole gram in there. But he had a big bag of weed and he probably didn't even notice. The weed was dank dro too. So we passed that around until the beer pong table was set up and I gravitated to it. I played a round of beer pong and by the time the game was over, I was drunk, high, and ready to socialize! (Well, I'd already been ready to socialize, but after a couple more drinks and some weed I was even more down to have a great time!) What happened next is all a big blur of FUN FUN FUN. The place seemed to get packed in the blink of an eye and suddenly there were people EVERYWHERE. Jennie found me and pulled me into the bathroom where she and some guy were doing lines of coke, and had a nice little line all cut up for me. I readily railed that shit. I walked around meeting person after person, just being the absolute life of the party, the bell of the ball. Like always, it's not just my pleasure, but my specialty. I convinced some guy to give me a "sample" XO pill, because I said I was interested in buying $20 worth. (I knew I only had $10 in my purse! Haha, but he didn't know that…) Then I wandered off and kept roaming around the party. There was a time when I was sitting on the table near the door where people were guarding the door and giving out VIP wristbands. I asked what they were for and they pointed to a small, just all around awesome looking room that they said was the "VIP room" where people were doing drugs, smoking blunts, and drinking top shelf bottles openly. I then promptly asked for a wristband. They said it was $20, but I talked my way right into one very easily, free of charge. I made a case that I had supplied some beer (I hadn't) but I think really all it took was a flutter of my eyelashes and an innocent (HA!) smile. The VIP room was awesome and I was given a shot of whiskey, and once I took it and complained that it was whiskey, they gave me a shot of Patron. Then I was out and about again and somehow found my way up to the stage which was a loft high up in the top of the building that could only be gotten to by a secret entrance. Well, I followed a few people behind a curtain and climbed up onto some workout equipment and then a hand pulled me up onto the stage as if I was invited. When I got up there I looked down at the sea of people and felt like a rock star. I walked over to the DJ and made a few song requests and with the bat of my eyes, he gladly agreed. I think I played around up there a while and then went back down into the abyss of party people. I wound up at another beer pong table with a bunch of strangers and I simply just said "I call next!" They looked at me and said, "Well we already have people who called next game, but I'll tell you what. If you can chug this whole beer in one try, you can play next." I smiled and grabbed the bottle, held it up and started chugging. It was probably somewhere around halfway through when they realized I meant business, "Damn this girl's no joke!" was the only thing spoken before they started the good old "Chug! Chug! Chug!" chant. I even rolled my eyes and dance a bit while doing it to just really emphasize my skills. Then when I was done I slammed down the bottle and said, "Thanks for the beer!" Then started walking off. "Wait, don't you wanna play next?!" they called after me. "Nah, changed my mind. Later!" I left them in utter disbelief. I even gained a few followers (REAL life followers!) after that who I never bothered to learn the names of. After more rounds of socializing, dancing, drinking, smoking some blunts, etc. I found Ashlee and I said, "Wanna get on the stage?" She said, "Uh sure, but I don't think we can get up there." I just smiled and said, "Come on, I'll show ya!" Then I showed her my secret entrance and we were both hoisted up by some random strong arms and up onto the stage. I then found out to my delight, that Ashlee and her bad ass self had went and picked up a random bottle of Malibu to take it with her. We sat up on the stage dangling our feet over the edge, taking swigs of the Malibu and influencing the DJ's party music picks. I don't really remember how or why we left, but I know that after a good night of fun I was back in Ashlee's car and a minute or two later I was walking through my driveway with Cora in my purse and went inside and marched upstairs happily. It was about 4 am. There were a few casualties of the party, like my phone and my Broncos koozie, and THAT SUCKED. But besides that, it was a GREAT NIGHT. I had SO much fun. It really seems like each party here is better than the last. I'm SO glad I didn't decide to skip out on that one. It truly was a blast. I was coming down off the drugs and I cried myself to sleep. But it was just drunken-party-girl crying, not anything actually wrong. It was definitely a night to remember and definitely a night I would choose to re-live if given the chance… The End!

January 10th 2015… Seems strange to type that when I would love to be able to date this: January 10th 2005. It's just one number off. Just one little number away from the first best year of my life. I can't believe it's been a decade already. Time is moving so fast. How can it be that I'm going on 24? 14 was my favorite age before 21, and now I'm a whole decade away from the me I was at age 14. How I long for that age and that year. What I wouldn't give to be able to drop the 1 and bring back the 0. 2005 was incredible. Do you think 2015 could ever live up to it's decade-younger counterpart? Could I live up to my decade-younger counterpart? Is that even possible this late in the game? I don't know. I wish I did, but I don't. But I'm trying. I envy her. I wish I was her. I wish I was even just ten percent the girl she was. She had all the answers. She always knew what to do. And more so, she always did it. How? I have no idea. But she did. Then there was the time she seemed to fall asleep and when she slept, she slept for years. It was around early 2006 when all the excitement of her year of triumph seemed to finally catch up with her and wear her down. So she fell asleep, and she didn't wake up again that year. She slept through the next year too, and the year after that, and the year after that. Finally around 2011 I began to realize that this was more than just sleep, she was in a coma. And comas are fickle in the way that you never know for sure how long they'll last, if the person will ever wake up at all, and if she does, will she even be the same person? Will she even remember? A coma isn't something to be taken as lightly as a year or two of sleep. And as the years passed by, she grew older and older, while still in the coma. Where was her mind? Where was her heart? Where was her spirit? I never knew. And I never knew if they would ever come back from wherever they went while she slept. It was in late 2011 when I hit rock bottom. She was gone without a trace, and all I had left were the distant memories of the girl who fell asleep long ago. It was then that I surrendered all hope and finally gave up on any chance of making another triumphant return. I had lost the battle and I knew it. Only thing left to do was pull the plug. So I did. I let go of life support and waited patiently to watch her slip away completely, one last time. But then a miracle happened… In early January of 2012, when all signs of life had finally vanished, and the sheet was being pulled over her head once and for all, she twitched. There was a sign of life; a glimmer of hope. And then it seemed to all come back at once. I remember opening the door of this very house I'm in right now, and stepping outside into the sunlight. I remember being blinded by the sun, a long lost friend of mine, and loving that blindness. Could it be… I was waking up? And as the year progressed, it became more and more blatantly obvious that she was awake from the coma, as if nothing had ever happened, and the sun shined every single day, even when the sky was grey, even when it rained. The light was back and I was back and GOD DAMN did it feel great to be alive again! And I lived every moment. I truly lived in every single moment of that year. Every month seemed to get better than the last, and it was that year that every day was the best day of my life. What a wonderful, wonderful awakening. And I rejoiced, and cried out in tears of joy and gratefulness, because for the first time in my life, I knew what I had. I knew it was perfect, and I didn't go a day without being utterly thankful from the bottom of my un-broken heart. Turns out humpty dumpty could be put back together again. And it was the first time in my life that my shattered, ripped, torn, broken, broken heart became un-broken. Now tell me, how could that be? It was a blissful time in my life. Pure and simple bliss. And I was at peace. For once in my life I was in complete peace with everything in life. Of course there were bad days, of course there was heartbreak, of course the sun went behind clouds sometimes. But in each and every day, whether good or bad, I was able to find peace. And I wrote and I wrote about this lovely, lovely awakening that I had longed for for so, so long. I was back and I thought I'd never leave again… I was wrong. I remember the exact day the coma returned. It was a night actually. It was December 19th/20th, aka the eve of the "end of the world", when my house burned down, taking my whole life down with it. And once again, I disappeared. I couldn't believe it. And for the first 6 months I was in shock and denial. She'll come back. She'll come back, you'll see. But she didn't. And it was on June 19th 2013, exactly 6 months to the day that she left again, that it all hit me like a train. The denial was over and the reality sunk in. She was asleep again. And the even more frightening realization was that this time it might not just be a coma… This time the burns could've actually knocked her out for good. No rising pheonix here. There were only ashes. And there are still only ashes. 2013 came and went, and I clung to the hope that maybe 2013 was just doomed to be a bad year, and things will get better in 2014. They have to. But they didn't. They only got worse. And before I knew it, it had been two whole years since I was alive and awake. And I'm just so terrified of living another year in a coma, or worse. I keep wanting to be hopeful, I keep waiting for my olive branch. But every time I get to hoping for this to be a better year, the year that I come back to life again, I turn myself away from those thoughts and run in the opposite direction as fast as I can, because my heart - what's left of it - just can't take another let down again. So I try not to get my hopes up, I push away all feelings of the hope I want to have. I can't take another year of torture. I wish I would wake up. I wish this could be my come-back year. I wish so badly that things will get better. But I have this sinking feeling that things will only get worse. I hope to God that I am wrong. But I won't get my hopes up in case I am not. So what can I do? Well, the only thing I know how to do. I can write. And I can stay here in my writing and write myself away into the better days of yesteryear. And it's in yesteryear that I will stay, hunkered down to ride out the storm, until the day that I finally make my triumphant return, if that day ever comes. But a decade ago new horizons were beginning, and three years ago they did the same. If there's anyone out there listening, please help. Oh, how I long to be myself again. Oh, how I crumble when I am not. That's all for now, I guess. I will try to write more later. Going downstairs to get some coffee now.

Good afternoon, I'm writing this while perched on the lovely bench at my boudoir, leaning over to switch the space heater back on, then gazing out the window beyond the silk curtains at what I wish I could say was frost, but since I'm in Texas, the outside only looks frosty until you actually get out there only to discover that the "frosty" look, is nothing more than a combination of cold rainy mist and fog. It's a grey, grey day. And I feel somewhat grey, but not as bad as I usually feel when something goes wrong. The wrong that had gone on, actually took place last night while on the phone with Carlton. He won't marry me. We want different things in life. He doesn't want to get married because he says he's afraid of divorce… Cool. Just yet another way his horrible mom is ruining MY life. Maybe she thinks it's okay to get married and divorced 80 billion times, but she didn't ever stop to consider the damage it did to her offspring. But of course she wouldn't, she likes to play innocent, but she's really a pretty bad mom and a pretty great liar. And since she ruined her kids, now I'm left to deal with it. She gets three dream weddings and I will not get even one if I choose to stay in a relationship with her son. So, I'm not going to. I'm done. Three years and nothing to show for it? Yeah, I think this is my stop cause I'm definitely not down to be a part of this redundant ride anymore. But I do love Carlton, so I don't want to leave him just because he doesn't know yet if I'm "the one". Being with him at all is better than not having him in my life, but the more time I waste on him and only him, the less of a chance I have at ever meeting the person out there who will actually be sure that I'm the one. So I decided to maybe ignore him all day today and then tomorrow I'm going to tell him that we need to talk, and in this talk I'm going to offer him to be friends with benefits because I still want to be him, but I want to give other people a chance too because I simply can't waste my life waiting around on him forever. It's straight up tacky to lead someone on for three years and make excuse after excuse so that I keep getting my hopes up, only to be let down over and over and over again. It's no fun at all, and I'm done with it. And now if he does ask me to marry him, I will know that it's only because of me pressuring him, so now that I know his true feelings, there is absolutely no way we can ever get married and work out. And if he doesn't want to be friends with benefits, then that's his loss. Either way, he's not my boyfriend anymore. I'm not gonna be the girl with a three year relationship that hasn't progressed in THREE YEARS. It's ridiculous to expect me to just sit and take this. There are plenty of people out there who would be more than willing to step up and be my MAN instead of just my boyfriend for the rest of my life. Either way, I'm now one of "all the single ladies!" or so Beyonce lovingly refers to all the girls out there who just can't understand why, if he likes it, he wouldn't put a ring on it. I'm now one of them. No more sitting around and paying for his mommy's mistakes for me. My parents raised me right, so I believe in marriage. And they don't want their daughter to have to suffer her whole life because of some idiot who got knocked up as a teenager and decided she could have all the weddings that she wants with no regard for the children that she supposedly cares about more than herself. I'm not going to pay for little miss thang (aka Tiffany Metcalf-Billingsley-Kirkland-Lumpkin)'s bad choices anymore. I mean, how tacky is it to have FOUR last names?! And it probably won't be her last either! Haha. Whore. Ugh, I guess maybe I'm a little bitter. But when your boyfriend of THREE YEARS tells you that he's not sure he should marry me because of his mom, um…. Yup, I think that gives me a pretty good reason to be bitter. Anywho, I'm sorry I'm ranting about this. I know I don't have to apologize to my own journal, but I'm more apologizing to myself because I shouldn't have to get so worked up over someone who isn't my boyfriend anymore. And I'm not going to. Today isn't a bad day, it's just an eye-opening day. The only thing that makes this sad is that it happens to fall on the three year anniversary of the real start of this dead end relationship. We technically started dating on January 28th, but January 9th was the night that really set everything in motion. And now that motion has come to a screeching halt with the realization that the best Carlton can ever offer me is a clever excuse. Well he doesn't have to come up with anymore excuses, I'm letting him off the hook. It's over. It's not my shameful burden anymore.

Well, I'm BLAHA! (Back Like A Heart Attack) Carlton and I talked and worked things out. Which is good. Apparently he is going to propose to me soon, or so he says. Idk, I guess we'll find out soon if it's true or if he's just stringing me along again. Anyways, that's all for now. PARTY TOMORROW!

I had a crazy dream last night. I dreamt that it was my birthday and me and Carlton were hanging out with Corey, it was pretty awkward. Neither of them were too happy about it. And I had to drive Corey's F150 (which he totally doesn't even have anymore) because he was drunk and they both followed me in Carlton's F150 (which he also totally doesn't have anymore). We had been playing in a river but we left because there were too many fish and they kept touching me while I was swimming! I had a doctor's appointment that me and Carlton had to get to and when we got there all I did was change my clothes over and over again and then we left. After that I was asking Nick to give me a birthday present of weed and he was asking Mom if he could have a ride down to the lake and $15 and she was asking him why he needed $15 to go to the lake. And apparently the Broncos had just lost a big game (PLEASE don't be foreshadowing!) and everyone was making fun of them. I also dreamt that Cora was coming in my backpack with me and Carlton to go out to eat with Carlton's dad and we were trying to pack up some weed with us in baggies before we left. So basically everything that's been on my mind lately was in the dream: Carlton, Cora, the Broncos, weed, a doctor's appointment, etc. The only thing I can't understand why it was a part of my dream was Corey. I haven't even thought about him in months. I really don't know why he was in my dream. I hope he's not dead or something. I would have no way to know if he was, because I don't talk to him anymore and I don't have any plans to. In fact I can't believe I ever did cheat on Carlton with him. It literally makes me sick to my stomach when I think about it now. But I don't feel like I was completely in the wrong, because that was such a low point in me and Carlton's relationship even before I started talking to Corey because Carlton had been… Let's just say "taking out his frustration on me" really really hard lately. I got thrown out of a window and all my care got thrown out of the window with me. It was the last straw and I didn't give a fuck about having a relationship with someone who could do that to me anymore. So I understand WHY I did it, I just wish that I hadn't. Ugh, it makes me sick to my stomach to think about what Carlton was doing to me too. We both acted like terrible, terrible people and I hope that never happens again. I couldn't stand the abuse and domestic violence. It hurt my heart just as much as it hurt my body. Ugh, I will change the subject because now I'm cringing and about to have a panic attack just remembering how bad that time in my life was, and I just woke up so I don't want to already have a panic attack. Anyways, I really hope this will be a better year… I'm actually listening to that song right now. I put my playlist on shuffle and it just came on right when I started typing that I hope this will be a better year…
This will be a better a year.
This will be a better year…
I'll make a little money,
Take a lot of shit,
Feel real bad,
Then get over it.
This will be a better year.
God, how I just hope, pray, and wish this song will come true this year for me, and for everyone else. I'm a stitch away from making it, and a scar away from falling apart. Or so goes the beginning of The After Life of The Party, the song by Fall Out Boy that just came on. It's one of my all-time favorites. I remember 2011 being terrible, just awful. 2010 wasn't too great either. But 2012 came along… And every one of my dreams seemed to come true. I came back to life and I felt as if I'd been asleep for years and years and my soul had just been awoken. I just couldn't believe that there was a time when I just wasn't present in life. I felt like it was just so easy to be at peace, but ever since the end of the world in late December 2012, peace is the farthest thing from my heart. WHY did I have to leave myself again?! And where did I go? Now it feels like the pressure is on. I just want so badly for this year to be better. They keep telling me that I can control my own fate, and that is mostly true, but there WAS a spark there that I can't control myself. 2005 was when the spark first peaked. I was 14 and my life changed into pure bliss. It was the best year of my life… Until 2012. And then that topped it. Please God, PLEASE let this be a better year. 2013 and 2014 were hell. Pure hell on earth. I just don't think I can take another bad year. My heart will give out and I will die forever, the spark will never come back, if this year doesn't turn out to be my triumphant come-back year. Anywho, I'm gonna go make some coffee now, I'll write more later!

This will be a better year.
This will be a better year…
So goes the chorus of a song that Blaine took the time to download for me and send me over Skype because he says he plays it at the beginning of each year and it gives him hope and excitement, he said he hopes it does the same for me. I hope it does too. And I sure hope those ringing words ring true. But I woke up feeling refreshed today and I haven't been feeling as down lately. I really don't want to jinx another long year into being a living hell, but I feel different. I'm just crossing my fingers that this will be the comeback year. I could really use one right about now. Anywho. I'm typing on Samson right now. Thought you'd never hear me say that? Think again. He's back, like a pheonix rising from the ashes, I've reincarnated his spirit into my new Microsoft Surface. SAMSON LIVES ON! <3 It's just one little thing that brings me back a little closer to where I used to be, where I want to be, where I should've have always been. But if he can be reincarnated, why can't I? Can someone please find Shelley, wherever she is, wherever she went, shake her and wake her up, bring her back and reincarnate her into this empty-shell that I am, and have been for two years now. Bring us back. Let's come back. Enough playing around, it's been amusing watching this spiraling hell on earth progress over the past two years I'm sure, but it's time to stop now. Let me come back. Let the tornado stop twisting, let me lift the curtains to peak out into the sunshine once again. God, how I've longed for some sunshine… Is the storm over yet? Make a wish and say a prayer, cross your fingers, count to three, hold your breath and lift your head, for the smoke is clearing from the midst, and summer's coming once again.