January 9, 2015

  • Written on Jan 8th 2015

    I had a crazy dream last night. I dreamt that it was my birthday and me and Carlton were hanging out with Corey, it was pretty awkward. Neither of them were too happy about it. And I had to drive Corey's F150 (which he totally doesn't even have anymore) because he was drunk and they both followed me in Carlton's F150 (which he also totally doesn't have anymore). We had been playing in a river but we left because there were too many fish and they kept touching me while I was swimming! I had a doctor's appointment that me and Carlton had to get to and when we got there all I did was change my clothes over and over again and then we left. After that I was asking Nick to give me a birthday present of weed and he was asking Mom if he could have a ride down to the lake and $15 and she was asking him why he needed $15 to go to the lake. And apparently the Broncos had just lost a big game (PLEASE don't be foreshadowing!) and everyone was making fun of them. I also dreamt that Cora was coming in my backpack with me and Carlton to go out to eat with Carlton's dad and we were trying to pack up some weed with us in baggies before we left. So basically everything that's been on my mind lately was in the dream: Carlton, Cora, the Broncos, weed, a doctor's appointment, etc. The only thing I can't understand why it was a part of my dream was Corey. I haven't even thought about him in months. I really don't know why he was in my dream. I hope he's not dead or something. I would have no way to know if he was, because I don't talk to him anymore and I don't have any plans to. In fact I can't believe I ever did cheat on Carlton with him. It literally makes me sick to my stomach when I think about it now. But I don't feel like I was completely in the wrong, because that was such a low point in me and Carlton's relationship even before I started talking to Corey because Carlton had been… Let's just say "taking out his frustration on me" really really hard lately. I got thrown out of a window and all my care got thrown out of the window with me. It was the last straw and I didn't give a fuck about having a relationship with someone who could do that to me anymore. So I understand WHY I did it, I just wish that I hadn't. Ugh, it makes me sick to my stomach to think about what Carlton was doing to me too. We both acted like terrible, terrible people and I hope that never happens again. I couldn't stand the abuse and domestic violence. It hurt my heart just as much as it hurt my body. Ugh, I will change the subject because now I'm cringing and about to have a panic attack just remembering how bad that time in my life was, and I just woke up so I don't want to already have a panic attack. Anyways, I really hope this will be a better year… I'm actually listening to that song right now. I put my playlist on shuffle and it just came on right when I started typing that I hope this will be a better year…
    This will be a better a year.
    This will be a better year…
    I'll make a little money,
    Take a lot of shit,
    Feel real bad,
    Then get over it.
    This will be a better year.
    God, how I just hope, pray, and wish this song will come true this year for me, and for everyone else. I'm a stitch away from making it, and a scar away from falling apart. Or so goes the beginning of The After Life of The Party, the song by Fall Out Boy that just came on. It's one of my all-time favorites. I remember 2011 being terrible, just awful. 2010 wasn't too great either. But 2012 came along… And every one of my dreams seemed to come true. I came back to life and I felt as if I'd been asleep for years and years and my soul had just been awoken. I just couldn't believe that there was a time when I just wasn't present in life. I felt like it was just so easy to be at peace, but ever since the end of the world in late December 2012, peace is the farthest thing from my heart. WHY did I have to leave myself again?! And where did I go? Now it feels like the pressure is on. I just want so badly for this year to be better. They keep telling me that I can control my own fate, and that is mostly true, but there WAS a spark there that I can't control myself. 2005 was when the spark first peaked. I was 14 and my life changed into pure bliss. It was the best year of my life… Until 2012. And then that topped it. Please God, PLEASE let this be a better year. 2013 and 2014 were hell. Pure hell on earth. I just don't think I can take another bad year. My heart will give out and I will die forever, the spark will never come back, if this year doesn't turn out to be my triumphant come-back year. Anywho, I'm gonna go make some coffee now, I'll write more later!