January 16, 2015
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Written on January 9th
Good afternoon, I'm writing this while perched on the lovely bench at my boudoir, leaning over to switch the space heater back on, then gazing out the window beyond the silk curtains at what I wish I could say was frost, but since I'm in Texas, the outside only looks frosty until you actually get out there only to discover that the "frosty" look, is nothing more than a combination of cold rainy mist and fog. It's a grey, grey day. And I feel somewhat grey, but not as bad as I usually feel when something goes wrong. The wrong that had gone on, actually took place last night while on the phone with Carlton. He won't marry me. We want different things in life. He doesn't want to get married because he says he's afraid of divorce… Cool. Just yet another way his horrible mom is ruining MY life. Maybe she thinks it's okay to get married and divorced 80 billion times, but she didn't ever stop to consider the damage it did to her offspring. But of course she wouldn't, she likes to play innocent, but she's really a pretty bad mom and a pretty great liar. And since she ruined her kids, now I'm left to deal with it. She gets three dream weddings and I will not get even one if I choose to stay in a relationship with her son. So, I'm not going to. I'm done. Three years and nothing to show for it? Yeah, I think this is my stop cause I'm definitely not down to be a part of this redundant ride anymore. But I do love Carlton, so I don't want to leave him just because he doesn't know yet if I'm "the one". Being with him at all is better than not having him in my life, but the more time I waste on him and only him, the less of a chance I have at ever meeting the person out there who will actually be sure that I'm the one. So I decided to maybe ignore him all day today and then tomorrow I'm going to tell him that we need to talk, and in this talk I'm going to offer him to be friends with benefits because I still want to be him, but I want to give other people a chance too because I simply can't waste my life waiting around on him forever. It's straight up tacky to lead someone on for three years and make excuse after excuse so that I keep getting my hopes up, only to be let down over and over and over again. It's no fun at all, and I'm done with it. And now if he does ask me to marry him, I will know that it's only because of me pressuring him, so now that I know his true feelings, there is absolutely no way we can ever get married and work out. And if he doesn't want to be friends with benefits, then that's his loss. Either way, he's not my boyfriend anymore. I'm not gonna be the girl with a three year relationship that hasn't progressed in THREE YEARS. It's ridiculous to expect me to just sit and take this. There are plenty of people out there who would be more than willing to step up and be my MAN instead of just my boyfriend for the rest of my life. Either way, I'm now one of "all the single ladies!" or so Beyonce lovingly refers to all the girls out there who just can't understand why, if he likes it, he wouldn't put a ring on it. I'm now one of them. No more sitting around and paying for his mommy's mistakes for me. My parents raised me right, so I believe in marriage. And they don't want their daughter to have to suffer her whole life because of some idiot who got knocked up as a teenager and decided she could have all the weddings that she wants with no regard for the children that she supposedly cares about more than herself. I'm not going to pay for little miss thang (aka Tiffany Metcalf-Billingsley-Kirkland-Lumpkin)'s bad choices anymore. I mean, how tacky is it to have FOUR last names?! And it probably won't be her last either! Haha. Whore. Ugh, I guess maybe I'm a little bitter. But when your boyfriend of THREE YEARS tells you that he's not sure he should marry me because of his mom, um…. Yup, I think that gives me a pretty good reason to be bitter. Anywho, I'm sorry I'm ranting about this. I know I don't have to apologize to my own journal, but I'm more apologizing to myself because I shouldn't have to get so worked up over someone who isn't my boyfriend anymore. And I'm not going to. Today isn't a bad day, it's just an eye-opening day. The only thing that makes this sad is that it happens to fall on the three year anniversary of the real start of this dead end relationship. We technically started dating on January 28th, but January 9th was the night that really set everything in motion. And now that motion has come to a screeching halt with the realization that the best Carlton can ever offer me is a clever excuse. Well he doesn't have to come up with anymore excuses, I'm letting him off the hook. It's over. It's not my shameful burden anymore.
Well, I'm BLAHA! (Back Like A Heart Attack) Carlton and I talked and worked things out. Which is good. Apparently he is going to propose to me soon, or so he says. Idk, I guess we'll find out soon if it's true or if he's just stringing me along again. Anyways, that's all for now. PARTY TOMORROW!
