Today I woke up and Nana and I went out shopping. We went to Interstate Batteries to get a new battery for the car first, which I just realized doesn't have a name. We should name it. But I'll come back to that later. Our old Caddy's name was Midnight because it was Midnight Blue. Such a beautiful car. One of my favorite cars my family has ever had. But anywho, maybe Sunshine? Because this car is golden. Hmm, I like it. ANYWHO, after the battery place we went to JC Penney's where we each got a new sweater. Mine was a pretty off-white cable knit cardigan, and Nana's was just a nice comfy pullover. After that we went to HEB where we got lots of food and stuff and we got a new sweater for Corabelle, a pretty purple one with a flower on it. It's like the first sweater she's had that isn't pink. Lol. Anywho, after getting home and putting the groceries away I went upstairs and made myself a couple "Georgia Juice Bombs", which is a drink I just invented that is one part Sprite, one part Grape Juice, and one part Peachtree Schnapps. It's fucking delish. Anyways, that was pretty much it for today.

This morning I woke up and got ready for Sue Long and Lorraine to come over to eat lunch with us, Nana was making ham, rice, and slow cooked pinto beans, MMMMMM. I never have the patience to cook beans like that, but they really do taste soooooo much better than the canned ones. Anywho, so lunch with them was very nice, both the food and the company. Afterwards Nana and I rested a bit and then I asked her if she wanted to watch Frozen with me again, which she said she did. I LOVE that movie. It's one of my favorite Disney movies now. Right up there with Lion King, 101 Dalmatians, and Pocahontas! I'm really glad Disney is still able to make wonderful movies. This one will be a classic. Everyone loves it and so do I! After the movie ended, it was dark outside already and I went up to my room to turn on the tube and get ready for bed. But as I passed by my window, something caught my eye outside. Something across the other side of the city was burning down. There was a bright orange glow coming from flames and I threw open the window and crawled out onto the roof to watch the fire, because you know, whoever's house or business was burning down, I can relate and I felt so bad for them. I hated that something was on fire. I hate fire. But when I got out onto the roof, I got a closer look and realized that it wasn't a fire at all, it was the moon rising from the horizon. It glowed orange and gold and I couldn't help but stay to watch. So I set up a little pallet on the roof right outside the window, brought my drink out with me ( a "Georgia Juice Bomb") and turned up the music on Samson. I decided to stay and watch the moon rise until it rose all the way up above the trees in my yard. It was beautiful. I sat out there and although it was cold, it didn't seem to bother me much. I stood and started dancing to the songs up on my roof under the light of the moon and a sense of wonder and excitement came over me like I hadn't felt in so long. It was surprising and nice. I couldn't help but smile pretty much the entire time watching, and dancing under the beautiful moon rise. I didn't know what it was about this particular moon rise that captivated me so, but it made me think back to the last time I watched the same moon out on this same roof, with these same eyes… It was January 9th, 2012. I'll never ever forget the date because it was the first time I ever told Carlton I liked him and he said he liked me, and although we didn't technically start dating until January 28th, that was really the day that started it all. And I remember looking forward to January 9th before that because it was a full moon on that night and mysterious and magical things always seem to happen to me on a full moon night when I'm aware of the moon. I had a drink then too, it was a glass of Arbor Mist White Zinfandel wine, and I put a stick of incense out and let it burn while I took pictures of the moon and the incense smoke in the foreground on my new camera that I had just gotten for Christmas. It was truly a magical night and it just might have been the thing that sparked the magic and wonder for all of 2012. It all started with a full moon… And as I sat out on my roof watching the big, golden moon turn to silky silver and rise above the treetops in my yard, and reminiscing about the way that full moon looked back then, I suddenly got a surprising thought. My eyes grew wide and I stared at the moon for a few seconds in disbelief, shaking my head and telling myself 'it can't be…' Then I sprung to my feet, climbed back in through the window and grabbed Samson. I opened Google and searched for what phase the moon was in on this night… Full. January 5th, 2015: full moon. The fullest. … I hadn't even known it would be a full moon, I had no idea what phase the moon was in before this, and I climbed back through the window and watched the full moon in pure disbelief. And then another eerie but magical thought suddenly took hold of me: Everything in 2012 seemed to begin with a full moon and end with a fire. But tonight, it was actually a fire that I'd climbed out the window to watch, that turned out to be the full moon… It had begun with a fire and ended with a full moon. And it was in that moment that I just couldn't help but wonder if maybe, just maybe, in some mysterious way, that this could possibly be the starting point of a better year. I almost felt scared to even think that thought because I'm so worried about jinxing anything, and things have been bad now for so long that a good year really seems so out of sight and less probable now than ever. But still. The full moon was there in my face, there was no denying that. It filled me with wonder and hope. That hope I tried so hard to press down and forget so as not to get my hopes up for the umpteenth time, but hard as I tried to fight it, the sense of hope remained. I still don't know what this full moon means, if anything, but I'm crossing my fingers that it is a good omen for another good year… Maybe?

Last night I couldn't sleep until I finally gave in and railed some Hydroxyzine around 4am and eventually passed out. So this morning I could not wake up to save my life, however I had to go to church, so I concocted a plan while I laid in bed before getting up, and I went downstairs and staged an incredible "sick" performance for Nana, who said I didn't have to go to church with her since I was feeling sick and she told me to go back to bed and get my rest. I happily went back upstairs and laid down, only to realize to my dismay that going back to sleep wasn't going to happen. I laid there for about ten minutes in denial about what I knew I was going to do. Then I hopped up and started getting ready for church. Once I was ready, I went downstairs and told Nana that I was feeling better and wanted to go to church after all. Then we piled in the car and drove to church where I saw all my friends and the people who have watched me grow up, and I sang wholeheartedly in the choir while wearing my favorite "eve outfit", which I named that because I wore it on New Years Eve and Christmas Eve and it was a big hit both times. I tried to really focus on the message and the words of the sermon, and I tried to remind myself how appreciative I am for everyone in that church because they are so important to me, all of these people who have been here my whole life for the most part, who are still there, and still telling me how beautiful and treasured I am. It's very hard not to get a big head in church though when everyone is always treating me like a little princess. I mean, I am a little princess, but still. I am trying to really do everything I can to make this year a better year, and that starts with making myself a better me. I have shunned God from my life and my heart for too long now, and no, I don't know if He is real or not, but it couldn't hurt to believe He is, right? I need to make a fresh start at a clean come back, and I can't do that without the help of a higher power. I just want to be at peace again. I don’t want a year or a lifetime of happiness and bliss filling up every moment, I mean that would be great, but that's impossible. I'm not a fool, and I know that that's not something practical to wish for because it's just not something that anyone could ever have… There is a difference between being happy and being at peace. Being at peace means that you are at peace in times of happiness and times of sadness. Not being at peace means that you can be sad and you can be happy, but neither is fulfilling without a foundation of peacefulness behind it. In 2012 when I was at peace, I had my share of bad times. I had terrible days, I cried, things didn't always go my way, none of that was any different. The difference was that behind those times, I still knew that I was at peace and that things would be okay. In the last two years, I always say they were hell on earth, and that's true. But it doesn't mean that there weren't happy days. I had times when things went my way, I smiled a lot. Things weren't always all "bad". But there never was that sense of peace behind any of it. So the bad days weren't bad days that would be overcome, but just plain bad days. And the good days, were days where okay, I might have been happy, but those days were almost even more painful because there was no peace behind them… Because it hurts to be sad. But it hurts - IT FUCKING HURTS - to be happy, when you know you could be happier. THAT is what sad is. Everyone gets sad sometimes. But only very troubled souls can be sad in times of happiness. I don't want happiness. I don't need happiness. Happiness can't fix anything because happiness is fleeting. What I need more than anything, is to be at peace again. Because it's amazing to be happy. But it's amazing - IT'S FUCKING AMAZING - to be happy and at peace. I think I can almost remember what that feels like, but then again it's just a distant memory now… I wonder if I'll ever get it back? But whether or not I get it back this year is a mute point because there's just no way to know for sure what this sea of life has in store for me. All I know is that…. I could have stayed home this morning, I could have slept in. But something pulled me up and awoke my soul. Something reached out and said, it's time to give Shelley a hand. Let's help her up. It seems she's stuck. Let's bring her back, she's been so hurt. It will take some time, and it will take some work. But it all starts, with going to church.

And then I watched the Colts beat the Bengals in a playoff game and now the Broncos are set to play the Colts at home in Denver next weekend and I am SHAKING IN MY BOOTS. The end.

So, I must admit that I'm cheating and I'm writing this a few days later (don't tell on me!), so I can't really remember what all I did except that I know I had the TV off all day until I talked on the phone to Carlton later that night and he asked if I was watching the playoffs. I dropped the phone and lunged for the remote, turning on the TV and changing the channels until I found the game as fast as I could. It's not like it was necessarily any team I cared about, but it's the playoffs, so it's still interesting AF. Besides, any football is better than no football. Rule of thumb. Well, after the game I don't really remember what I did but I know I couldn't sleep for a long time, which was stressful because I knew I had to get up early for church in the morning. But I railed some Hydroxyzine and finally passed out. Anyways, I don't really remember all of what I did that day, but I know that it wasn't a bad day.

I didn't really do all that much today except smoke the rest of my weed and text a bunch of people. It was Jenni's birthday so I made sure to send her a nice heartfelt birthday text. A text was enough because she probably wouldn't want a call anyways. Not because she doesn't want to talk to me, but because she goes through periods of time when she doesn't want to talk to anyone on her phone, which I totally understand because I am the exact same way. There aren't many people like that though, so it's always tough to explain to them because no one understands. Matt is one of the only other people I know who is like that. Some say it stems from a psychological disorder, which may be true to a certain extent, but I tend to believe that it's not necessarily a bad thing to abandon your smartphone for a few days… Everyone is always complaining that people use their phones too much, but then when someone actually does take a break from technology they catch hell for it. I HATE that. Because I think it's pretty healthy to take a vacation into the real world for a bit. But I digress, I am cheating by writing this a few days later, so again, I'm not entirely sure what all I did on this day, but I know it wasn't a bad day.

Happy New Year! Happy 2015! It's officially been a decade since 2005, the first best year of my life. The second was 2012. Anywho. Last night was awesome! I seemed to be the bell of the ball at the NYE party. I don't want to sound conceited, but this is MY story and I'm not writing it with the intent of anyone else seeing it, so I might as well tell it like it is. And the way it is, is that I am a bad ass. Everyone was staring at me, talking to me, asking me where I got my outfit, taking pictures of me, asking to take pictures with me, telling me I'm gorgeous, telling me I rocked the Karaoke mic, swooning over Cora, trying to get me to sing karaoke with them, getting me drinks, asking about Austin, trying to get my life story… I truly felt like the most popular kid in class. Scratch that, the most popular kid in all of school. Everyone remembered me, even though I had forgotten like half of them. It was a really wonderful night. At midnight I was on the phone with Carlton while we all counted down to 2015. The night was a blur of fun, I can remember everything I did, but just not in the exact order that it actually happened. I got a nice little buzz, but I didn't really get drunk at all. Mostly because I was smoking weed for the most part. Terry picked me up to take me to the party with him and his brother (or maybe cousin? I forget) and he gave me a Klonopin on the way over. So that was really nice. I mostly hung out with Terry, Chris, and a girl named Ashlee whom I remembered from the Halloween party. We took a bunch of pictures that I hope she put on Instagram, because none of them were on my phone. I have had people sending me pictures of me from last night, but I did not get a single picture on my phone personally. Guess I don't need to when I have other people wanting to take my picture for me! Honestly I really did feel like a celebrity. It was such a great feeling and such a great night. Me and Terry did karaoke to Love The Way You Lie, and of course I made him do Rihanna's part and I did Eminem's part. Everyone ATE THAT SHIT UP. They seriously elevated me from bell of the ball to life of the party right then and there. I kept catching girls looking me up and down like they were envious, can't blame 'em, hell even I am envious of my awesomeness! And all the guys flocked to me like a heard of sheep… Idk if that even makes sense? But you get the gist. There wasn't a single dull moment. And we left just at the right time before the party died, but after the peak was over. There were fireworks in the front yard, they went all out with the huge sky-explosion ones, whatever those are called. They were beautiful. And we all got Sparklers. In fact I even still have one and a half Sparklers that I swiped from last night left in my purse… I figured I'd save 'em for a rainy day. Which actually now that I think about it, would be pointless. Unless I play "Set Fire To The Rain" while I do it. In that case, Sparklers in the rain is a wonderfully ironic idea. Some girls who I can't remember their names wanted me to sing Spice Girls karaoke with them which of course I did. I took shots with a bunch of people at the bar, got invited to drink up a lot of Miller Lites from the host of the party's personal stash, I played pool with Terry as my partner and we won all because of the one ball I hit in, haha that's not really why we won, but it helped! Cora was passed around a lot. Terry and I took a weed-smoking break in his car in the middle of the party and Ashlee and her friend came up to the car and asked if they could come in and sit with us cause it was so cold outside. We said of course and when they got in, she asked if we were smoking weed and when we offered them some, her friend said no but Ashlee said sure and then I had to show her how to hit my Sneak A Toke, lol it was cute. We took lots of pictures by the fire in the front yard with our Happy New Year tiaras on. That's just the quick summary of an amazing night to remember. I got home from the party and Darin came over to hang out for a bit in the office with me on his way home from the party he had gone to. I smoked a little more and then he bounced and I went upstairs and passed the fuck out. It was a good night.

Today Nana cooked us a nice New Years dinner of Ham, black eyed peas, and mashed potatoes. It was delicious. Then we just had a nice relaxing day. I really hope this year turns out to be anything like the way it began. This was definitely a New Years to go down in history. I hope this year will be the same. I would SO love to have a good year again for once. I would do anything.

I keep trying my hardest to post my traditional NYE survey, but Xanga simply won't let me!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY?! It has never done this before. But the last time I did it was before Xanga ran through STUPID WORDPRESS, so I'm sure that has something to do with it. I will keep trying. Until then, FUCK YOU WORDPRESS.

Okay so, Xanga must be fucking up because I have my updated NYE survey all typed up and ready to be posted, but it will not let me post it..... it will let me post anything else, just not that. REALLY FUCKING FRUSTRATING. I love Xanga, but I hate it when it does shit like this. If you're gonna make this be a paid site, please at least make it WORK.... anywho, I'm still going to find a way to post it on here, even if I have to post screenshots of it, ughhhhhhhhhhh!

Look at me
I'm such a pretty little burden.
And I just can't find the words and
My mind's all jumbled up
with the things I just can't say

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Come back, come back to me

I'm listening to Green Day. Right now it's Scattered. But I was jamming out to Missing You just a second ago, and those words sure ring true. I'm missing you, Green Day. I'm all scattered without you. You're not around and I'm a complete disaster because now it seems I've forgotten my purpose in this life. But I'll never erase your songs, Green Day. This broken scene will always be green for me. Cause the beginners don't even know what song they're singing, but I do. Green Day, please don't go. I want you around forever. You'll always be a friend of mine. Well I ain't got much time, so I'll get to the point... I'm so sick and tired of feeling so alone. Please stay and count the circles around my eyes tonight. I'll be your number one fan in the end; you'll be the last song stuck in my head. I'll write you a lullaby so you can sing me to sleep, and in the darkest night I'll fade away like a penny in the rain and you'll go with me all the way. I'll never turn back time cause you will always be my sweet fourteen. It's not like I'm stuck with you, but I can't just walk away. You're all I ever think about, it's even true today. I want you to know, this never was just a phase. You make me feel like the me I was supposed to be, and you're the background soundtrack to every broken dream on my boulevard. I'm always all dressed up and fucked up with nowhere to go, cause everybody likes me, but they're all out without me having fun. Now all my friends are grown-ups and I'm just an ex-kid... I'm somewhere on the edge of "there's nothing wrong with me, this is how I'm supposed to be", and "what the hell is wrong with me?!" They call me irresponsible and habitual, but no one knows who wrote Shelley Baker, and when they think of me they all just fill their head with schemes. So I just write them off and stay away. Seems like everybody's grown up without me, and even I have left myself behind. My heart is singing out of tune and my eyes are just singing the blues. I don't feel strange, it's more like haunted. I'm dragging on, my heart's been broken, and I'm going down in history. Where in the fucking world did all the time go? So I figure sometimes I'm better lost than seen, and I look away or close my eyes as life goes by like I'm on a moving train. And I don't ever look away from the arms of that moment trapped in time, but all I remember from then now is just folklore. And I'm so turned around from the arms of tomorrow that I don't even know how far off path that I've gone. I tried to live on my own, but don't blame me cause I'm not the god damn one who burned down my house and home. I used to run out at life like a shooting gun, but a stray bullet went straight through the bible and hit my stray heart. And then I died of a broken heart. Now after all is said and done, and after having too much fun, and after all the blows I could take, there's something I should say... For what it's worth, it was worth all the while. Now you're not around and I'm a complete disaster, but I looked for you on Christie Road, and now I'm down in the pavement looking... I hit play and turn you on and now I feel like me once again. I'll always seem to find my way back to you. Back in 2005 I had a dream that I kissed your lips and it felt so true, that in the morning I woke up as a nervous wreck and I fell for you. I crashed into you and let you crash in my imagine too. You can crash forever and we'll be nervous wrecks together. On and on, cause no one knows. It's just how this story goes. So just let me have another dose of Novacaine, give me a long kiss goodnight, and everything will be alright for me. And I'll meet you back on the boulevard in my broken dreams. Yeah, it's been said and done but I open the past and present now and I'm back there. But all I've really got is my future, and you know I've been planning on giving it to you since I was fourteen and strung out on confusion. Now I'm 23 and strung out on soda pop and ritalin, and the stems and seeds of the last of the dope... But hey, at least it's good dope. And since I don't know how to close this out, suffice to say that you were something unpredictable, but in the end was right, and you know I had the time of my life.
Gooooooooooooooood niiiiiiiiiggggggggggghhhhhhhhhht