We were making peanut butter.
Laughing in the kitchen.
We plant a tree.
You always listened.
I'm sitting all alone
in a cold place.
Close my eyes and see,
big smile on your face.
I'm eating Peter Pan.
All I've got now.
You're making funny faces.
I'm laughing real loud.
Sprinkler dancing in the yard.
We take a train ride.
You sat on the left of me,
you were always on my side.
A rose, a verse, an empty chair,
brush it off now.
Our secret ingredient.
Can you remind me somehow?
Where is my friend?
Give me a sign.
Like the smell of breakfast in your home,
the light of a lifetime.
Small and homesick,
you rock me while I cry.
Whispered that you're right here.
Where are you this time?
Give me hot chocolate in the bath,
made me promise not to tell.
Look how my ducky swims.
I can do it by myself.
Bluebonnets, knowledge.
Things only we know.
Sitting in my house,
so far from home.
You're showing me the world,
lost in a story.
I had a change of plans.
I'm so sorry.
I'm watching re-runs,
the news is depressing.
The world is such a shiny place.
At least that's how you made it seem.
I'm five and I'm bad.
Threw a fit; you made me mad.
Should have foreseen,
I'm twenty-one and I'm sad.
It's my birthday.
You sing songs to me.
Now it's been one year.
It's the fifteenth.
There's too much air in here to breathe
and this silence is screaming loud.
But we were playing hide and seek.
And it's your turn now.
There's only darkness,
out of this window.
You would have disagreed.
You called me kiddo.
Tonight I can't sleep.
So sing me a lullaby.
Hushabye baby.
Rockabye and goodbye.
I never called enough.
Now I can't call.
So down will come baby,
cradle and all.
The sweet smell of sorrow.
well maybe tomorrow.

I don't know where you are or why you're gone. I don't know if you can read this but if so,

I'm so sorry, dear friend. Really.

This is a Blue October song called Hate Me. It's my song for Sammie. Most of it is head-on with how I feel, but I changed a lyric or two to be more accurate. So here are the lyrics:

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head.
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed.
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone,
playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home.
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain.
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me, just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me?
It is I that wanted space.
*You deserve much more than this.

Hate me in ways -
Yeah ways hard to swallow...
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you...
For you...
For you...
For you.

So there Sammie, this is for you.

I'm out on a long walk.
Don't know where I'm going...
Just know that I'm walking,
cause baby, I'm back.
It was out in the sunshine.
Or maybe in the moonlight.
Or in some online journal,
I've had for a while,
writing, 'baby, I'm back.'
So queue up the music.
Why not make it Green Day?
The song from that one train,
for old time's sake.
I talked to my best friend.
Found out it's been years since,
I flew south for the winter.
But baby, I'm back.

And it turned out to be,
the year it finally summered,
all over my life once again.

I just called to say,
I don't know where I'm going.
And that just so happens,
to be the right way.
My feet found the ground,
when my truck broke down.
So I got a new car;
it's my roommate's board.
Jumping off bridges,
Landing in 'perfect'.
And all my endings,
came back from the dead.

(Unfinished.)

I need a...
Beer cause my world fell apart.
Beer can cure a broken heart.
And beer can make everything right.
Beer can bring you back to life.
And beer is all I care about,
so I need beer right fucking now.
Remember when we laughed all day?
This beer will take that all away.
Life - I just might miss it all,
but I'm not gonna miss last call.
Cause everything is weird now.
But that's why I've got beer now.
But bartender, don't worry.
I'll spare you my sad story.
Just get on with the party,
and pretend that I'm not sorry, cause

Tonight
I'm
drinking
myself dead...
Block out
all these
regrets
in my head...
And erase our tracks down memory lane,
cause I will never be the same.
And beer is all that I've got to my name.

Now I know...
Beer can re-write all my wrongs,
beer is writing this dumb song.
Who cares if it makes me die?
One more sip, one last goodbye.
Beer will soothe my aching soul,
killing pain with liquid gold.
Cause beer has never failed me yet,
on the night I wish I could forget.
So for everything I should've said,
just bury me down with a keg.
And if I'm drinking a little slow,
blame the lump stuck in my throat.
This is for all the things I did to you,
and for everything I didn't do...
And since it's too late to apologize,
I'll have another Miller Lite, cause

Tonight
I'm
drinking
myself dead...
Block out
all these
regrets
in my head...
And erase our tracks down memory lane,
cause I will never be the same.
And beer is all that I've got to my name.

When did I give up "sober"?
The day your life was over.
Now you sleep six feet under,
so many things I'll always wonder.
But it's really not so bad,
you were only all I had.
And if I could bring you back,
I'd never drink again...
And we'd laugh all day long,
I'd never write this song,
but since our time is done,
I'll drink until I'm gone, cause

I
just
lost my
dearest
friend...
And I'm
the
reason
why he's
dead...
So retrace our tracks down memory lane.
Please God, let him forget my name.
Take everything I've loved, give it away...

Tonight
I'm
drinking
myself dead...
Block out
all these
regrets
in my head...
And erase our tracks down memory lane,
cause I will never be the same.
And beer is all that I've got to my name.

Because...
My whole life just fell apart.
If beer could cure a broken heart...
But beer can't make anything right,
cause beer can't bring you back to life...

"Memories fade, like looking through a fogged mirror. Decision to decisions are made and not bought, but I thought, this wouldn't hurt a lot. I guess not." -MGMT

"The world is spinning round and round out of control again." -Green Day

"Now I feel like me once again." -Green Day

The other night, in the middle of a long, late walk beneath the stars and streetlights, it hit me. I'm on a walk. At night. All this time spent trying to crack some "code", how could I forget? It wasn't something hidden in an equation, it's something in the way it feels to walk around at night, something in the moment of realization that the destination is never as important as the journey. It's something I always knew, I guess I just forgot. And forgot how comforting it is to know that no matter what happens, I can get anywhere I need to go. Cars break down, run out of gas. But there's nothing that can stop my feet from walking. And right then, right there on the street corner, a little piece of me came back.

I got some new shoes a couple months ago, and they were skater shoes, but I bought them because they looked good. Why else would I buy them? Shelley Baker doesn't skate. But a few weeks ago, Shelley Baker stood in the living room, and stared off into the corner, where a skateboard laid. Next thing I knew, Drew and Carlton had talked me into coming out to skate with them, and the board they had for me just happened to be a Tekgnar board. What the heck? Why not? Walking to the "gap" where they skate, carrying the board, nothing seemed abnormal. But when I stepped onto the skateboard, something clicked. A long lost memory came back. I guess I'd forgotten what it felt like, to feel the ground moving beneath my wheels. And falling doesn't hurt a bit, when the joy of flying is so real. Told Drew I'd given it up years ago when I realized that 14 was too old to become a good skater. He said, "I just started skating last year." And that sentence was the proverbial ring of my wake up call. How could I forget that I can fly? But then I hit a rock and fell, fucked my arm up pretty bad. And that was the first wound that ever healed me. And there at The Gap, the sunset became a sunrise, and a little piece of me came back.

It was about 6pm at my apartment's pool. I was laying on my towel beside the edge of the water, tanning. A kid accidentally splashed me, and looked at me apologetically, "I'm sorry!" He said. But my response came naturally without any time to think, a smile and, "Don't be sorry, you're supposed to splash in pools." He looked surprised and happy at my response. And it made me wonder if I was the only "grown up" he'd ever splashed who didn't mind it. And because my response was genuine, and not just to be polite, I reached into the water and splashed him back. He laughed and challenged me to a race across the pool. There were only a few minutes left that I would be able to tan, before the sun was blocked by the buildings. And there was no doubt in my mind, that racing across a pool was far more important than the perfect tan. Oh, and by the way, I won. And it was in that split second when I reached the other side, that time stood still. An underwater smile and a flashback. And for a fleeting moment, I was transported back in time to a pool at a hotel in Florida, when I sunk deep underwater just to scream. Opened my mouth and let the water flood in, and all the negativity of life flood out. I just had to smile. I just had to savor this sweet moment, that this was one of those few extraordinary moments that happen sometimes in life, when everything is just right. And you can't think of a single thing in the world that you want. The flashback ended and I was back in 2012, so physically far from that pool in Florida, and yet close enough to reach out and grab that moment, and take it back. And right there, in the apartment pool, submerged in water and joy, a little piece of me came back.

It was yesterday, my halfy birthday, August 25th; it's the day I consider the last day of summer. I finished a diary entry in my summer diary, which has been a special summer tradition of mine since 2003. From '03 through '07, I kept a diary every single summer, and I never skipped a single day. But for whatever reason, from '08 through '11, I've never been able to keep up with my summer diaries for long. I usually give up by the end of June, and break another tradition that I used to love so dearly. And I always tried to keep it up, but I just never could do it, and even though each year I try again, every year it doesn't work, I lose a little more hope, and a little more me. But flipping through the pages yesterday, reading off the dates - June 3rd, June 4th, June 5th... July 12th, July 13th, July 14th... August 23rd, August 24th, August 25th... Not a single one missing. Every day of the whole summer painted out in words. I did it. This time I did it again. It just came back to me naturally, and it wasn't even hard. And somewhere in writing that last word in my entry of the last day of summer 2012, a little piece of me came back.

On the fourth of July we missed the fireworks. But we ended up at Zilker Park late at night, making out and having fun, and afterwards we found ourselves at "our place" Epoch, playing creative improv games, downing coffee like crazy people, and laughing till our sides ached, sitting outside on the deck, at the left corner of the table where we first fell in love back in March. This time it was a combination of things: his neon green bandana, the rush of coffee at 3 in the morning, the warm Texas night paired with the balmy summer breeze, being in Austin; the only home I've ever known, the way his brown eyes sparkled, that certain special tingle that my favorite holiday brings, the laughter and creativity we were making, or maybe just the excitement of being Neon-Ninja-Hippie-Gypsy-Runaway-Nomads-From-Mars. But whatever it was, something changed again. It was in the moment that I realized that this may in fact just be as great as the 4th of July in '04, eight years back. Again time stopped for an instant, and gave me a chance to breathe it in; all the sights, sounds, smells, feeling, and tastes of summer bliss, so I could commit it all to memory, just like I did with that moment in the pool in Florida. Perfection, pure and simple. Something more real than anything else in the world. And it was there, at the place where we fell in love, on the fourth of July, that a little piece of me came back.

This summer has been filled up with the truest of summer magic. Best old and new friends, skateboarding, long walks late at night, sundresses and sunglasses, pearls and curls, neon bandanas, summer sandals and faded denim shorts, all-nighters, fireworks, swimming and splashing, falling and flying, summer love, diary entries, parties and pictures, adventures and lazy days, old traditions, fame and infamy, Trash Can Punch and mischief, roadtrips, freeze pops, laughter, love and even a bit of sorrow, freedom and family, Jonestown and new town, revival and rebirth, moonlight and shooting stars, Starbucks, Epoch, downtown Austin, movies at Alamo, clean slates, family dinners, pets, partners in crime, neighbors, a close group of friends, staying up till sunshine, summer theme songs, a summer motto: YOLO!, inside jokes, caffeine and confidence, romance and playfulness, secrets and surprises, trust and truth, peace, epiphanys, singing, dancing, playing and winning, losing and laughing, Mario games, box wine and Miller Lite, homecomings and memories, neon Nikes and grip tape, circles and triangles, letting go, and knowing when to hold on, injuries and battle scars, meditation and Mac and Cheese, swing sets, bridges, green grass and blue skies, and sweet, sweet summer chaos.

Aside from the moments I have listed here, there have been countless others in which I have found another little piece of me. They were each incredibly significant in different ways, and with each one I became a little more whole. I guess this time I can really mean it now, when I say I'm back, baby!

Everything is so empty without you, Sam.
The world is a little colder.
My life is a little darker.
Memories haunt everything I see.
Your shirt still holds your scent, and I hold it close whenever I really need you.
It has found a home on my pillow, where it sits folded and ready to be worn.
I dragged it out of the dirty clothes basket when you went away.
I'd been meaning to wash it, but now I'm glad I never got around to it.
It still holds your scent, which is my last line left to you now.
But I'm aware that someday that smell will fade and that line will break.
So I keep your teddy bear in a Ziploc bag in my drawer, hoping it will lock your smell in forever.
But every time I see it in there, it looks so clinical and I feel so cold.
In the morning in that split second between dreaming and waking up, I hear your collar and feel your fur.
So comforting and real, so close to being there.
But then it's gone too soon, just like you, only two.
Tried to make a deal with God, but he wouldn't budge.
Everyone says they understand, but I don't think they can.
I didn't lose a pet, I lost my dearest friend.
You were one of a kind, and I'll never find a treasure as special as you.
Every time I went away for a few days, everyone said you seemed sad and didn't act the same.
But you always jumped for joy when I came home, and you were always waiting in the window.
You even recognized my car, and ran outside whenever I pulled up.
Now you're gone and I hear people talking, they say I seem sad and I don't act the same.
So now I feel your pain.
I wrapped you in your blanket and I put your Heffalump in your arms.
I sprinkled a bag of popcorn, your favorite snack.
I left you with a love letter I wrote, and a flower I picked for you.
Everyone said some words, and I made a promise.
I'll be here when you wake up.
Mom said a prayer and that was that.
And I don't really know what those words mean, but they came from my heart.
It was the last thing you ever heard before you fell asleep forever.
I can still see your blue eyes looking up at me for the last time, and I hadn't planned just what to say.
I love you and you're the best dog.
But neither of those said enough.
And it just came to me, like someone had put the words inside my head, and it felt right.
My head said it was for the best, but my heart screamed begging for a miracle.
But no miracle came.
God has granted me so many wishes over the years.
So many insignificant wishes.
But this wish was the only one I really needed, and the one that didn't come true.
I guess God must have a special use for you.
But I had a use for you too.
Maybe others would take to blaming and point a finger at the sky.
But my sadness doesn't translate to anger, so all I can say is why?
I miss everything about you.
Even the shallow things.
I miss your name.
I miss your convenient size.
I miss your coloring and your blue eyes.
I miss the white stripe on your forehead between your eyes.
I miss the way one of your ears would stand up and the other would stay down.
I miss the jingle of your collar, and I miss the heart shaped tag that read "Sammie Baker, return to Shelley Baker."
You were supposed to be returned to me.
You used to chew through your leash until it broke, but you never went away when it came off.
It was as if you only did it to show me that you didn't need a leash to make you stay.
You were my friend by choice, by your own free will.
You hated swimming, but you jumped in after me many times.
You slept when I slept, and woke up when I did.
Tell me where to find another dog like that.
You came when I called, you never went far.
Your expressions were so emotion filled, I could always tell how you felt.
Sometimes when I'm shopping, I walk down the pet isle just to look.
A few days after you went away, I went grocery shopping.
I found a Heffalump - the same one that you had.
I carried it around in the store with me until I was finished shopping and I had to put it back.
I thought about buying it for the sentiment, but it deserves a home that can put it to good use.
You were there through thick and thin.
But things are thick now.
And my memories are foggy, and they'll all fade away with time.
And someday you'll slip out of my fingers, and fall right through the cracks in my heart.
I've never needed you more than I do now.
Your corner in my room is empty, but your corner in my heart is full.
Every day it gets a little easier, but I don't want it to!
Because it means that you're getting farther away from me, and I can't cope with that.
Well the time is getting late, and the coffee shop is closing up.
But there's so much left to say, and no more time to say it.
And I'm not sure how to end this, but does it even matter at all?
I guess I'll just say what has been said so much it's lost all meaning.
But I miss you, friend.
And I love you, Sammie.
I always did, and always will.
And even if there's no heaven, and even if there's no God,
I meant what I said, and I will find a way to keep my promise.
And though I don't quite understand it, I know somehow it's true.
I'll be here when you wake up.
I promise that to you.

"I'll miss you most of all, Scarecrow."

Normal evening, nothing new.
There's a movie on, mom got fast food.
Dishes aren't done, and the clock's still wrong.
Stop to look at everyone.
If I could pause time, I'd pause it right here.
Nothing exciting, just something real.
No one is talking, never been closer.
How can it be, that these times are over?
One last chance to change your mind.
Throw it away, go back in time.
Just a house I used to say was mine.
Not a big deal, yeah I'll be fine.
How did it get so late so soon?
Memories fade in an empty room.
A step out the door, it's all so wrong.
Guess forever doesn't last very long.
There's the swing you made for me.
A stump where a tree used to be.
A scrape always mended with a kiss.
A time when I couldn't imagine this.
Where did the time go?
Why am I so cold?
Where are my Leggos?
How do I get home?
How do I kill all this fear?
And where do I go from here?
I'll miss you so much.
How do you make lunch?
I never told you,
you make the best food.
My time has run out.
Wanna go back now.
They're watching some movie.
Give anything to be.
Goodbye doesn't sound right.
I'll even miss the fights.
Just wanted out so bad.
So why am I so sad?
Why can't we restart?
It's breaking my damn heart.
It's the smell of the old air.
Love doesn't play fair.
Can I have one more year or two?
Did I ever mention I love you?
Well goodbye hurts more,
when it's walking out the door.
Crossing that last line.
Go back and rewind.
It's coming down to this.
But I never wanted this...