Okay guys! You probably know that every year on New Years, I post the same survey every year, and re-answer all the questions with current answers, but also post all the old surveys too, in order to see what has changed. It recently occurred to me that since summer is my season, I should do the same thing at the beginning of each summer. So this is my first annual Summer Kick Off Survey! Enjoy! Oh, and feel free to steal it if you want.

Basics

How do you define summer?
Tried to answer this question, but realized there aren't enough words to describe what summer means to me.

Which summer was your favorite, and why?
So far it's a tie between 2005, 2007, and 2009.
2005 and 2007 were turning points in my life, and all three summers were filled with friends and non stop excitement.

Do you have any summer traditions? What are they?
Here we go...
I always keep a diary during the summer.
I carve a jackolantern on the 4th of July.
I re-visit my old tree house on Oak street every 4th of July at 4:10pm.
I keep a "survival bag" in my car.
I make gravy on the second day or night of every summer. (Don't ask.)
At the beginning of each summer, I make a summer wish at 11:11. It's always the same wish.
I celebrate June 7th as my "Green Day anniversary" (It's also my mom's birthday.)
I get a new lucky koozie.
I get a new Tylers tee shirt.
In July I sing the song "July July" by The Decemberists.
This survey is a new summer tradition that I'm starting this year.
7 years ago me, Cassie, and Nick buried something (it's a secret) in our grandparent's front yard in July of 2005, and made a pact to dig it up in 7 years. Back then, 7 years was unfathomable. We thought it would never come. Now it seems unfathomable that it's been 7 years since then. It seems like it was yesterday. We've talked about it for 7 years now, and this is finally the year we'll dig it up. Now we're going to bury something else in the same spot, and dig it up 7 years from now, which, like last time, seems unfathomable.

What color do you associate with summer?
The color in between blue and green when you can't tell if it's blue or green. Which is also my favorite color. Go figure.

What is your favorite summer weather?
Thunder storms during warm weather. Especially at the beach or in the morning, or both.

Where is your favorite place to be in the summer?
Jonestown
Austin
Victoria
Garner
Any beach
New Braunfels
Anywhere my friends are

What is your favorite thing to do in the summer?
Party
Have adventures
Road trips
Hang with friends
Do crazy things
Tan
Go night swimming
Go tubing
Go to Garner
Walk and talk
The list goes on.

Who has been your favorite person to spend your summers with?
Brittany Joslin

When you think of summer in general, what do you picture?
Fireworks
Turquoise water
Parties
Friends

Last summer

Summer of:
2011

Name of the summer:
The Summer of Drug Love

Summer nickname:
Summer EE Lev

Summer slogan:
Winning!

Motto of the summer:
Party Rock!

Your nickname:
Jenna

Your motto:
Where is my mind?
Try
Yeah buddy

Code words:
Rolling around

Your summer theme song:
Grenade dubstep version

Favorite quote:
"Winning!" -Charlie Sheen
"Every day I'm shuffling." -LMFAO

Inside jokes:
Bella Bella what?!
Where's the fucks my ice water?
Do not sling cat at me!

Where and how did you kick off last summer?
With a photo shoot in Jonestown in my greenish dress, sidewalk chalk, and a pink dodge ball.

Where and how did you end the summer?
I can't even remember. Honestly, I was on too many drugs to remember much of anything from last summer.

How was your love life?
Up and down with Josh. Mostly down though.
I also had a little fling with Jordan Rubio, and an even littler fling with Corey Jackson

What do you picture when you think of last summer?
The pool at The Orchard apartments where Josh and John lived
Driving Halia blasting dub step
New Braunfels with Brittany, Michael, and Colin
Amnesia
My purple Keep Austin Weird koozie

Biggest summer trends:
Dub step
Charlie Sheen
"Winning"
Nicki Minaj
Adele
If I Die Young by The Band Perry

Where did you live?
Multiple places:
The Artisan with Jenni and Blaine
The Orchard with Josh and John
A hotel room in Corpus for a very short amount of time
Josh's parents house at the town homes for another very short period of time

Where did you work?
Corpus with Blaine for a very short amount of time

Where did you go on vacation?
Six Flags in San Antonio
Corpus Christi
Victoria
New Braunfels
Oklahoma
Arkansas
Louisiana

What places/cities were you mostly at?
Round Rock and Austin

Were you sick at all?
Yes, very sick for about a month. It was awful.

Did you go to school or take any classes?
No

Favorite day/night:
Day: Tubing in New Braunfels with Brittany, Michael, and Colin
Night: My house party at Jenni and Blaine's

Worst day/night:
Day: Sometime in August at The Orchard, I don't want to go into it.
Night: A couple day before my halfy birthday, again don't want to go into it.

Songs of the summer:
Party Rock - LMFAO
If I Die Young - The Band Perry
Someone Like You - Adele
Super Bass - Nicki Minaj
Pumped Up Kicks - Foster The People
Grenade dub step version and all other songs on my dub step mix
Give Me Everything Tonight - Pitbull
Talking To The Moon - Bruno Mars
Total Eclipse of the Heart Glee version

Summer anthem:
Party Rock - LMFAO

What did you find yourself doing the most during the summer?
Drugs

Favorite food/drink:
Food: Whataburger
Drink: Large chocolate shake from Whataburger

What was the craziest thing that happened?
Pretty much everything.

What was the best thing that happened?
I got to spend time with Brittany finally after almost never seeing her for years.

What was the worst thing that happened?
Don't want to talk about it.

What did your diary look like?
It was a small but thick, blue and maroon journal with a picture of the Eiffel Tower on the front, that I got from Barnes and Nobles

Where did you spend the most time?
The Artisan
The Orchard

Who did you spend the most time with?
Jenni and Blaine
Josh and John

Favorite spot:
Jenni and Blaine's apartment

What car did you drive?
Halia, my bluish green Nissan Altima

What phone did you have?
Adam, my Evo

What pets did you have?
Sammie! My Chihuahua/Jack Russel mix

What movies did you see in theaters?
The Hangover 2

What's one thing you thought you'd never do, but did in the summer?
Become a druggie

What did you learn about yourself?
That I'm capable of surviving practically anything

Any new friends?
A TON of new friends, but the most notable, in no particular order were:
John Cardone
Felix Jaimes
Paulie
Allie Costa
Stephen Moore
Christany Price
Corey Jackson
Colin Nash
Molly Hammock
Kim and Cole
Brooke Lopez
Jsweet

Hair style:
Red!

Best party:
Mine, duh!

Favorite party memory:
Anything involving Felix. He's a funny cat. Haha

Best/craziest/funniest party story:
WAY too many.
Maybe the one about the cops.

Funniest memory:
Felix being Felix.

What do you miss most about last summer?
Nonstop partying.

Favorite picture:
The one of me and Paulie, in which Paulie is wearing my bikini top, chugging a bottle of dish soap, and I'm holding a fire extinguisher to my mouth, making an insane face.

One thing you wish you had a video of:
Martha's birthday party at Amnesia

What was big in the news?
Charlie Sheen
Firestorm 2011

What did you do for 4th of July?
Laid in bed because I was really sick. :/

Favorite place to party:
Amnesia
The Orchard
Jenni and Blaine's
New Braunfels

Favorite people to party with:
John
Felix
CJ
Sam
Brittany
Christany

Family member(s) you were closest to:
Jenni and Blaine

Farthest place you went:
Arkansas

Favorite person/people:
Jenni and Blaine
Brittany and Michael
Sam

Did you have contact with any exes?
Yeah, one night I talked to Chicago for like an hour in his car at Lakeline Apartments.

What was your tan like?
BOMB

Favorite place to swim:
The Orchard

Favorite game/sport/activity to do?
Hula Hoop

Did you break anything?
Not that I can think of.

Favorite material possession:
My lucky purple "Keep Austin Weird" koozie
My Evo named Adam
My car named Halia
My dub step mix CD

Favorite outfit:
My neon green "I only sleep in pink" shirt from Victoria's Secret
My blue and white flowery shirt from Banana Republic
My black Amelia Island super shorts
My white shorts
My blue Victoria's Secret sweats
My pink and gold sandals from Urban Outfitters
My black and silver sandals from Urban Outfitters

Bathing suit:
Pink bikini from Victoria's Secret

Most dangerous thing you did:
Pretty much everything I did.

Any regrets?
A few.

Nights or days?
Nights

Summer hero/icon:
Charlie Sheen

Did you do any drugs? Which was your favorite?
I did practically all of them.
And Whippits were my favorite, followed by Acid

Did your prediction for last summer come true?
This is the first year for this survey, so I didn't have one.

Did last summer's wish come true?
This is the first year for this survey, so I didn't have one.

What did you learn from last summer?
Like everything there is to know about drugs

How did you end last summer?
I can't even remember.
Isn't this a repeat question?

This Summer

Date:
June 4th, 2012

Time:
7:23AM

Where are you right now/what are you doing?
Sitting on the bed in the camper
Chewing gum
Filling this thing out
Watching Carlton sleep beside me
About to smoke because I feel weird and I don't like it

Summer of:
2012

Summer nickname:
Summer Twenty Twelve

Summer slogan:
We'll never tell.

Your current nickname:
Shell
Salty
SaltyShelley
Bella
Backseatbarbie
Cheater

Your current motto:
Live fast and die young
YOLO (You only live once)
All I do is win
Tonight we are young
Sorry for party rocking

Current code words:
Rolling dice
Apples
Bee food
AF

Where and how did you kick off the summer?
On June 3rd, partying in Hutto with Cassie and Camille, (I mean Smiley and Caramel) playing and *WINNING* beer pong!

Favorite moment so far:
When me, Cassie, and Camille (team smiley) won beer pong.

Current favorite quote(s):
"You have to know the game, to play the game, to win the game!" -Camille
"Tonight we are young, so let's set the world on fire, we can burn brighter than the sun." -FUN
"Sorry for party rocking." -LMFAO
"WINNING!" -Charlie Sheen
"You only live once, that's the motto: YOLO." -Drake

Current inside jokes:
Neon Ninja Hippie Gypsies from Mars
Donatello
Bang and Boom
Fivever
Team Smiley
Crazy? I was crazy once!
It's always a left

What are your summer plans?
Party all the time
Be famous
Be young and crazy
Hang with friends 24/7
Jump off bridges
Trip to Colorado
College tour with Smiley
I heart Radio Fest in Miami
Tallan's wedding on June 16th
Be Neon Ninja Hippie Gypsies from Mars
Make Team Smiley a legend
4th of July bash
Win
Never be sorry for party rocking
Have the best summer ever

Summer goals:
Learn to surf
Hang with friends a lot more
Party a lot more
Throw a huge 4th of July bash
Get my tan on
Go on a road trip with friends
Go on a college tour with Smiley
Go to the I heart radio music fest in Miami in August
Have the best summer ever

What are you looking forward to this summer?
Every day

Summer bucket list:
Jump off the Lamar Street bridge at midnight
Go on a road trip with friends
Bury something else in Nana's front yard

Who do you want to spend most of your time with this summer?
Carlton
Brittany and Michael
Jenni and Blaine
"Caramel" and Marvin
"Smiley" and Nick
Mom and Dad
Krissy
Lacy
Franklin
Ronnie
Romanov

Current hairstyle:
Straight across bangs
medium hair that I think is my natural color
and extensions

Current favorite outfit:
Red Tylers tee shirt
Blue shorts
Nike 6.0's
White sandals
Black tank top
Neon yellow sports bra

Current favorite songs:
We Are Young - FUN
Time to Pretend - MGMT
The Motto - Drake and Lil Wayne
Sail - Awolnation
Ass Back Home - Gym Class Heroes
Wild Ones - Flo Rida
Drive By - Train
Drop the World - Lil Wayne
I'm Sexy and I Know It - LMFAO
All I Do is Win - DJ Khaled
Set Fire to the Rain - Adele
Sorry For Party Rocking - LMFAO

Current job:
Bartender/Server at Amnesia, Buca, and The Mansion

Predict something that will happen this summer:
I will throw a huge party for 4th of July

Where do you want to go this summer?
Anywhere life takes me

Summer wish:
I wish this will be the best summer yet!

Describe your lucky koozie for this summer:
Pink Tylers koozie that says "Keep Austin Weird" in neon green letters

Where do you live currently?
In Jonestown

Current car:
Carlton's F150 named Ralph

Current pets:
Sammie!
And Salty, our grey kitten

Current love life:
Carlton is my boyfriend, and I'm crazy about him.

Current spot where you hang out most:
Epoch Coffee (me and Carlton's place)

Current favorite thing(s) to do:
Go to Epoch
Walk around downtown
See movies at Alamo Drafthouse
Go on adventures
Party
Hang with friends

Current favorite food/drink:
Food: Lots of different things right now
Drink: Miller Lite, Doubleshots, box wine

Current favorite drug:
Bomb ass dro

Current way you spend most of your time:
Hanging with Car
Hanging with my family
Doing random things
Going downtown
Epoch

Current friends you spend the most time with:
Carlton
Jenni and Blaine
Cassie and Nick
Franklin
Camille
Lacy

Current way you spend most of your money:
Gas
Food
Alcohol
Weed
Random impulse stuff

What are you excited about?
Hopefully moving soon!
And getting my phone fixed.

What are you scared of?
Repeating past mistakes
Zombies
Leaving home
Ruining things with Car
Becoming a druggie again

Biggest thing in the news currently:
Miami zombie attack
2012 presidential race

Current biggest trends:
Hipster glasses
Neon/Techno/Raver type clothes
Ironic mustaches
Vintage bikes

Current party spot:
Our truck
Exxon in Jonestown
Hahahaha, both are funny!

Favorite way to spend the night:
Downtown having an adventure with Carlton
At Epoch all hyped up on caffeine with Carlton
Seeing movies at Alamo
Partying
Walking and talking

Favorite way to spend the day:
Walking all over the place downtown with Carlton
Swimming in pools
Walking with Cassie
Sleeping
Riding a train to downtown and back
Movies at Alamo

Current biggest celebrity:
Adele?
Drake?
Nicki Minaj?
Charlie Sheen?
Obama?
I don't really know.

Current most played song on the radio:
Wild Ones - Flo Rida

Current favorite color to wear:
Black

How you hope to end the summer:
Having an adventure with Car

What are you planning to buy?
An apartment
Getting my phone fixed

What are you most upset about currently?
Nothing really

What are you happiest about lately?
Being with Carlton
Summer time!

Current Facebook display pic:
Me and Car's photo booth picture from SXSW (the one where I'm rocking those pink hipster glasses)

Your most overused word(s):
AF, YOLO, Da Fuck?! Winning

Habits you want to change:
Laziness
Bad diet
Lack of motivation
Selfishness
The list is too long...

What do you picture when you think of this summer?
Doing crazy things downtown with Carlton and my friends

Last tweet:
"@Ronizzy Cassie's my newly Leander senior sis, and Camille's my cool best friend from Cali. They're shooting ya smileys back!"

Last text:
"Hey shell what's up?" from Blaine

Last kiss:
Carlton when he got home from work

Last place you went:
To that party with Smiley and Caramel! Haha

Last person you saw:
Carlton

Last thing you said:
"I'm almost done." to Carlton talking about this survey, haha! That was freaking hours ago. :/

What are you wearing?
Carlton's white tee shirt
White soffee shorts

How do you feel?
Ehh, just strange. Tired. Out of it.

Last song you heard:
Remind Me - Royksop

What was your favorite time of this year so far?
SXSW with Car! The most fun time in my entire my life!!

What was your favorite moment of this year so far, and why?
Sitting outside on the Epoch patio with Car, with our bandanas on, sometime in March, laying our heads on the table. Can't remember what it was that he said, but that was the moment I fell in love with him.

What are you going to do after this?
Lay down next to Car and maybe smoke a little, or maybe not.

What are you going to do tomorrow?
No idea yet! Carlton's off today! We might go see a movie at Alamo.

Who do you miss most right now?
Papa
Uncle Ben
Molly
(In no particular order.)

What are you worried about?
Leaving home.

Current favorite material possessions:
Lucky koozie
Evo
My markers
The truck
My camera
My purse
Does my box of wine count?

What is one thing that will never change?
The past

What do you hope to be doing at this time next year?
Same thing I'm doing now.

Let me
introduce you
to hell's right hand man.
Cause I couldn't
come up with, a more infamous plan and
it's not what
I wanted
it's just what
I am,
so I'll come back down
to ground now,
I found out, you can't
get in
to heaven,
with a high score
of seven,
way back in
my bed when
I snuck out
and slept in
and fucked off and stepped in,
cause I didn't
get it
which lead me,
to quit it.
It's my fault,
I get it.
But I won't
admit it
for shit so
go brag you
just did it, I'll brag that
I didn't.
and twist all
your logic, so it looks like
I'm hot shit
But it isn't, it wasn't, so it won't be, I lost it.
Isn't it
ironic,
name the drug and
I'm on it.
No chokin or coughin,
built a brick wall
of tolerance.
Hey you've got
a follower,
well I've got
a following.
So hop off
and stop in, step into
my coffin
where I earned
my thick skin, and learned how
to bi-win,
so give in and pitch in
for a crutch cause
you're trippin,
and bitchin
with wishes
that you had
and I did.
You're too late, closed curtain.
You're a washed up
and burned in
rookie if
you're lucky, I'll make you my stand in.
So you can say that, you stood in
the spot where
I'm standing.

I guess this is my...
Last chance
to jump off bridges,
and it's gonna blow your mind.
So one night
I can't remember,
left the world behind.
Free
falling,
making splashes,
winning, cheating time.
Last chance
to make one last stand,
so here I'm going down in flames.
This world
may never like me,
but it won't forget my name.

Can't even explain the sensation in my mind, heart, body, soul. It's insane and strong. Like a magnet, I just wanna be close to him. Closer to him. Can't get enough of his heartbeat, his scent, his neck, his lips... God, I just want all of him. All the time. Always. Always and fivever. So this is what it feels like to be madly in love. Head over heels. Completely infatuated. And when he's inside me, I melt when he goes slow, when he slowly lifts himself up and down and I can feel every inch of him. Sometimes when we squeeze each other, we squeeze too tight, we pull too close, we try to fade into each other, because we can't get close enough. What a rush. Wild, crazy, reckless, free, young, raw, love love love! We've got it all! These days are ours. These are our glory years. We've found love and we're young and crazy. And inside we always will be. I'm in love. Love love love love love love love love. <3

We got this bitch on lock, so get off our jock. Quit mugging thug 'fore you get fucking shot. Can't reach my lollipop from your spot, I'm on the top. So stop, this bomb's about to drop. Posers hop off of our dick. You're nowhere near us bitch, yeah, we just stole your clique. That's right, you just got kicked. Elmer's, we're gonna stick. Cause we know we're hot shit. Keep chasing till you sick, we're the bong you'll never hit. We play with fire like Miami's mascot. Go blast that AC stat to cool your ass off. Lights on, hands off. Here we go, blast off. You playing like Peyton, take your cast off. Even our beats pack heat. We left you on the street, watching us on TV, we got 'em so confused they yell brain freeze! So bitches get off your knees, we keep you on your feet. Don't wanna fuck with me. Now please go brush your teeth, you blow hard but we blow steam. Call us Katrina, we're the hurricane, you're just the breeze. We got Mercedes keys, you got a Kia lease. You're living week to week, our money grows on trees. You took an arrow to the knee, our mode just switched to beast. Now that we've got ya coughing, go on, spread the disease.

Have you ever been so in love it made you sick to your stomach?

I was in love like that once. It was years ago now. And it made me sick twice. Once in the beginning, and once in the end. And I can remember the exact moment my stomach first turned upside down, staring at the moon, sitting on top of a slide, couldn't stop kissing his cheek, he couldn't stop smiling. That was the turning point. I'd loved him for a while, but that was the exact moment I fell for him. I can still see it all so clearly, that one moment is burned into my memory like a battle scar. And then there was that last time. But two years hasn't healed that wound, and I can't even go back there long enough to write a sentence about it on Xanga. Stomach ache love. There's nothing else like it. Like morphine in the beginning, it's sweet and surrendering, and addictive. And in the end it's like someone set fire to your heart and left you with only one last drop of morphine, as if you could put out a fire like that with one drop.

Ever since then, I've defined "being in love" as the only kind of love that can make you physically sick. Normal love just doesn't do that. I've loved since then, and I loved before that, but the stomach ache never came again. I loved Josh with my whole heart, but it never made me sick. And I thought Carlton could be the one, but after almost two months of dating, and one month of loving each other, I had given up hope waiting for the stomach ache. It depressed me to think that maybe I had already had the love of my life after all, and now my one and only chance at once-in-a-lifetime love was gone forever. And that sickness was still behind every word in every line of every sad song. And every car driving on the road was somehow his car. And every thought in my head could somehow be traced back to him and the stomach ache he gave me. So I gave up looking for another love to make me sick, and I tried to get comfortable with almost perfect. Figured that would be as close as I'd ever get to having what I once had.

And then it happened.

It was sometime in the evening, on our second day in Huntsville, sitting on top of Carlton while he was laying on his bed. We were laughing. Can't even remember what we were talking about. Although I'm always admiring how good he looks, I'd been particularly attracted to him ever since we got to Huntsville. There was just something about him that changed when we got to his home town. It was like being on his turf gave him an extra spark of electricity. He was on fire. And yeah, he had that smirk. So I was sitting there admiring his brown puppy dog eyes, trying to pinpoint exactly what it was about him that was different, and that's when it hit. I recognized it the second it happened. It's not a stomach ache that grows over time like most do, it's one that hits you all at once like a car crash. A car crash in my stomach, in my heart, in my head, all over. And right there in that split second, time froze. It felt familiar like coming home after being lost for years, but it also felt brand new like falling in love for the first time. I think I was in the middle of a sentence that suddenly lost all importance, and I shut up and just stared. I smiled like crazy, I welcomed love back, I rejoiced, I thanked God, I screamed at the top of my lungs in my head, I ran a marathon, and I took a moment to breathe it all in. I squeezed my eyes closed and just smiled like crazy. When I opened my eyes, Carlton asked what happened. I said, "I'm just so happy!" "Why?" He asked. "Because my stomach hurts... Bad." I said, smiling. "What? Why?" He asked, confused. "Because I just realized something." I said. Then he asked, "Did you just fall in love with me?" And without any hesitation I said, "Yes." Then I fell onto his chest and held him as close as I could. It wasn't close enough, but it never is.

And ever since March 22nd, when it happened, I've been cured of the last stomach ache. And it's about time. And every sad song on the radio doesn't remind me of the past, but makes me think about the future. And every car on the road is Car's car. And every thought in my head can be traced back to Car. And when I zone out, I'm not back in 2009 anymore. I'm right here, in 2012. And even songs that have always hurt to hear, are redeemed and revived. It's as if every slate has been wiped clean, and every game has been reset. And it dawned on me that I'm finally getting the second chance I've been wanting for so long. This is it. This is me getting my wish in a way I never expected. And even every memory I have of love hurting, suddenly doesn't make me sad anymore. And I haven't even considered the past in any way pertaining to my future at all since I really fell for Car.

But the part that really blows my mind? All I've been wishing for for the last two years, is to get "everything" back. There was a short time in my life once, when I had everything. And everything isn't easy to get. But ever since I lost everything, I've been going crazy trying to get it all back. And I've had almost everything, but once you've really actually had everything, almost everything is no more than absolutely nothing. And ever since I started dating Car, I've had my fingers crossed, hoping maybe he could be my chance to have everything again. I just wanted him to be as good as everything. I couldn't bear another almost everything kind of thing. I just wanted to have what I once had again. And to my surprise, Car gave it to me just as quickly as I got it the first time. So I have everything again. And that's the kind of thing that needs to be stated again in order to really sink in. I. have. everything. Everything. Everything. Everything that can be had, I have it. I have everything I've been missing since I lost it two years ago.

But I never dreamed there could be more than everything...

Is it even possible to have more than everything? Probably not. But that's the way real love works. It only makes sense in ways that don't make sense at all. It seems impossible, but somehow it exists. Car has completely changed the way I see everything. I thought I had it all before, but I never knew that there could be more. I'd never experienced anything like it before, so in my mind it didn't exist. And now Car has made "everything" equal to absolutely nothing. So if I ever lose what I have now, I could never go back to having everything, because even everything can't measure up to whatever this is. I don't think there's a word for something like this that by every law of nature, can't exist. But that's love. I always thought love was everything, but turns out it's more than everything. And now that I've had a taste of this, I'll never be the same again. I'm looking at life brand new, like I'm finally seeing it for the first time in my life. I feel like I've had my eyes closed my whole life and now they're open and I'm experiencing color for the first time. Everything about him, about us, about me when I'm with him, is electric and mind blowing. He's not perfect. He's perfect plus one. He's all that and a bag of chips. And another bag of chips... Poker chips! Broke as I've ever been, and I've never been this rich. I've never been alive like this. I can feel the blood in my veins. Every day of this year has been summer. I haven't been cold since I found him. Even our bad times are better than every good time I've ever had with anyone else. He makes sunshine seem as dark as night. He makes colors brighter. Especially neon green. I haven't been this young in years. I'm fourteen when I'm around him. I'm fourteen and it's summer and it's always my favorite song on the radio. He wakes up everything inside me that fell asleep years ago.

Even his flaws are flawless. I'm memorizing every freckle, dot, and birthmark on his body. And I'm picking favorites. There's this freckle on the inside of his right thigh that I'm head over heels in love with. And he has freckles all over the middle of his nose that you can only really see up close, and somehow they make his eyes look even more lit up. He has a birthmark in the center of his back, and two freckles on either side of his neck. He has a freckle on the right side of his stomach. But my absolute favorite mark on him, is this tiny red dot on his face right under his left eye. For some reason, it's just endearing and amazing. But as much as I love it, and the small scattered freckles all over his nose, and his amazing soft lips that I can't kiss enough, it's hard to look at anything on his face other than those brown eyes. They're intriguing and deep enough to drown in. I'm already in over my head, lost in his eyes alone. At night they're black holes that never end, and they shine like lightning when he's even remotely excited. In the day time they turn into golden rays of sunshine. And I'm in love with his eye lashes too. They're so long and perfect. And his black hair is my weakness. I can't even decide when it looks better, the times it's done in a perfect fauxhawk, or in the morning when he wakes up and it's all messy. And every part of his body is baby soft and smooth. His hands are like perfect velvet, and his lips are full and the softest lips I've ever kissed, even when he kisses me hard.

And there are all these little moments that make me fall in love all over again every time one happens. In Huntsville on the trampoline one day, we got tired of jumping and laid down. Life moved in slow motion. Just enough sun was twinkling through the tops of the greenest trees above us, and the light was just right to see the dust in the air, but it looked like the air was sparkling with fairy dust. Wild horses were neighing and birds were chirping in the background, and the air was filled with the sweet smell of tree sap. But none of that was comparable to the moment we were having. We traded soft kisses and long stares with locked eyes and no words. It was just one of those perfect, fall in love moments. Yesterday we had sex for hours and he took it slow while we just looked each other in the eyes and I was sliding my finger around his lower lip, and every few seconds he kissed it. And every other breathless sentence was "I love you." And sometimes "I love you, so much." And then there was a part during that same sex session when we actually had a random non sexual conversation and even made each other laugh. I know that sounds weird, but it was actually kind of great. And this is going to be TMI, but again, this is my diary after all - he's the only guy I've ever been able to feel when he cums, and it feels amazing. And the face he makes when he orgasms isn't weird like some people's, it's adorable and the way he shudders and exhales is also adorable. And he never withdraws after sex before kissing me passionately and whispering "I love you." I even love his sweat.

And every idea either one of us comes up with is a great idea. His ideas are always crazy and exciting. And every time I bring up a crazy idea that I expect him to say no to, because anyone else would, he never says no. He usually says yes and thinks it's a great idea, and at worst he says maybe and tries to think of a better version of the same idea. And he's the only guy I've ever dated who makes me be my favorite version of myself all the time. I can be my whole unedited self around him, and it feels great to never have to put on an act (unless I want to!) and I can say anything to him. And we play so well off each other's sense of humor that we're never not cracking up. And his kisses are always absolutely perfect. And we do this thing where we make guns out of our hands and kiss them, then aim at each other and fake shoot. I always say "bang" and shoot down, and he always says "boom" and shoots up. We're like yin and yang. We're exactly the same and complete opposites all at once. We're the same when it comes to fun, humor, creativity, excitement, love, etc. But we compliment each other so well because we both have what the other needs. We fill in each other's missing pieces and make anything possible. He tells me "you're my best friend." like twenty times a day, and he means it. And he's my best friend too. And I can make any reference, even an arbitrary uncommon one, and he always gets it and laughs. For lack of a better, less cliche word, he's perfect. Downright perfect. I'll never be the same again and I'm so glad. I never want to lose him. I'm gonna do everything in my power to keep him forever.

Oh and I LOVE his family, friends, and home in Huntsville. They're all so awesome! And they're all hilarious, and they think I'm funny too and they like me. And they remind me of my family and house. I'm never not having fun whenever he's involved. And although I'm not proud of this, with every other boyfriend I've ever had, even though I didn't cheat, I didn't ever see anything wrong with innocent flirting with other guys, as long as it wasn't hardcore flirting or trying to pursue them. But with Car I'm different. Even when he's not around, I'll go out of my way to talk about him to other guys, and make sure they know that I'm off limits to the rest of the world. And he makes me not want to do drugs or get drunk as much as I used to because we can have even more fun sober. We're always having fun. And Sammie loves him and he loves Sammie. Sammie just adores him and always whines when he's not around. And Car plays with Sammie and takes care of him. We're the perfect little family. Anyways, I could go on and on about every perfect little thing about him, but that would take a lifetime. I'm hoping we'll have a lifetime together. I'm starting to think he could be the one. I think he might be my soul mate. If he is, I'm really lucky to finally have him after all these years of wondering 'what if?'

I'M SO FUCKING HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Have you ever been so in love it made you sick to your stomach?

Well things are getting better now that the sun is back out again. (FINALLY!) It just showed up again this morning. The bad news is that all my clothes, appliances, accessories, blankets, pillows, and shoes are all soaking wet. But hopefully now that the sun's out, they'll dry up in the sun soon. Until then, I have a small bag of about 3 outfits that I've been recycling every few days or so. And I am totally such a hippie girly girl ninja (oxymoron?) that I used my impressive skills to turn the truck into a shower and my legs are completely shaved and my hair looks clean and I smell great, despite not having access to a shower in three days. I'm just resourceful and creative like that. Anyways, the other bad news is that this morning the cops finally busted us about living in Zilker Park, so we are now officially homeless. We're back at Epoch right now obviously, but when we leave here I'm not sure where we'll head. It's okay though because as long as we have the truck and more importantly, each other, we'll be safe and more importantly happy. My cup runneth over. And I am very grateful for everything going on in my life right now. Despite having nothing more than a truck bed filled to the brim with drenched, molding over clothes, I am right where I want to be in life. Seriously. I can't remember the last time I was this happy. I'm sure it was around the summer of 2008, but even then I don't think was capable of being this happy because I didn't have the mentality that I do now. Now, every time I start stressing about something, I just consider what I do have, and mostly what I have now that I'm gonna miss like hell when they're gone. And I think about how I'm going to look back on this time in my life in the future and that's when I realize how good I have it in this moment right now. I'm living my dream life. Not a penny to my name, but not a worry or a complaint either. And I also realize that most people (my younger self included) would live this period of life with many a complaint and worry. And because of those, I would be completely blind to the beautiful things all around me. Truth is, there's always going to be something to worry about, something to be unsatisfied with. Car keeps talking about how happy we'll be when we finally get some money. But I beg to differ. Money may fix some problems, but others will arise in their place, and we would still have the mentality that if we could just get this or that, all our problems will be fixed. But "getting" more money, or more things, never actually fixes any problems. The only way to truly fix a problem is to open your mind to the possibility that maybe there is no problem at all. Maybe it's all in the way you're perceiving things. I mean really, how could I be happier? Why would money make things any different? Money would buy us an apartment. And then we'd have the "luxury" of sitting inside on a couch all day. The "luxury" of being out of the sunshine. We would have enough money to pay for tans we're getting now for free. We would have enough money for an air conditioner or a ceiling fan, and we'd never have to rely on a soft breeze ever again. How lucky? Money could buy us a nice, big bed. And then we'd never have to find out just how tightly we can squeeze together in our sleep in order to both fit comfortably in a small truck cab. And I wouldn't have to fall asleep listening to the sound of his heart beat. I'd get to fall asleep listening to the drone of the TV, and I could glue some fake glow in the dark stars to my bedrooms walls and miss that whole "actual star" thing. Who wants the real thing anyway? And speaking of real thing, if I just had a little more money, I could buy cable or Netflix and watch a true love story in a movie. Then I wouldn't have to go through the trouble of living one myself. I could watch couples on TV sleep in parks and say to myself, "I could do that. That would be a lot cuter than it sounds." Instead I can say, "I'm doing that. And I am loving it." And I won't lie, money would be nice and it could fix some seemingly serious problems right now, and I'm not hippie enough to honestly be anti-money. But I don't think I would necessarily be any happier with any more money than I have now. However, I don't think I would be any less happier either. As long as I can always remember to acknowledge the state of mind that I can be equally happy in any given situation, then I'll never again have a regret. I'll go through some hard times in my life. I have before, and I will again. Those are the things I can't control. But I can control the way they are dealt with, and that is far more helpful than endlessly chasing some way to control all problems from happening in my life. Besides, now that I've slept out freezing temperatures soaking wet in a truck with no blankets and pillows and not only survived, but survived happily, I now can face the world with the ability to conquer most, if not all, problems with the "magic feather" of invincibility. I am unafraid and unrestrained. I have no rent to pay, not a care in the world. I'm as free as a bird. There's nothing stopping me from up and moving to California right now, or just going wherever the wind blows me and letting the cards fall where they may. However, I choose to stay in Austin, not because I'm tied down to it, but because I love being here. And just the fact that you chose to be in the place that you are, instantly make it all the sweeter. Anyways, Car isn't as carefree or pleased with our life right now as I am, but that's okay. He's at least choosing to be in this situation as well as I am. I keep telling him that it wouldn't bother me if he wanted to go back to Huntsville and come back when things are "easier", but he wholeheartedly refuses, so I guess that means he can't be having a completely terrible time here with me. Anyways, this may have something to do with my medicine, but medicine alone is not life changing without the self motivation it takes to step up and be your own medicine. And I realize that I will have struggles with this mentality and I there will be times when I am not strong enough or calm enough to face my problems through this lens, but as long as I keep this concept in the back of my mind at all times, I feel like I will always have a way of calming my nerves and stop my heart from racing (in a bad way) in any situation life hands me.

So! Long story short, monetarily speaking, I am the poorest girl in the world. But that hasn't been keeping me from an endless supply of riches and wealth. I'm young, healthy, happy, crazy, and in love. My life couldn't be better! My other half doesn't live a thousand miles away in Huntsville, he lives inches away in the drivers seat of our truck. All my friends are only at most a half hour drive away, and there's no rent paying to hold me back from endless travels. I've never lived like this. I mean really lived. I've never been as rich as I am now. And if my life just always stays this nice, I will be living the high life for forever. How ridiculously wonderful is that?! So right now I have all my clothes and blankets drying out in the bed of the truck which is a relief of its own. And my biggest problem in life right now is that Car is rushing me to try to type this all so he can get back to playing Words with Friends I mean, *ahem* working on his resume... But I mean, fuck off Car! If you even knew how obsessive compulsive I am with Xanga, you would be scared right now to rush me cause I'm GOING TO JAB YOU IN FIVE. FOUR. THREE. TWO....

The worst night of this year is now turning into the worst morning of this year. I'm exhausted, freezing, starving, and stranded without a way to get home or even to get out of the cold because our keys are locked in the truck. It serves me right because I'm a dumb ass, but still. Being homeless is fun with a truck. But without a truck to stay warm in, it is actually very scary and harsh. I'm sitting at Epoch Coffee right now with Car and he's on the phone with his dad begging him to help us get a locksmith so we can open the truck. I can't really tell if it's working or not. I really hope it is. I keep almost falling asleep, but I have to keep waking myself up because we're not allowed to sleep in here. Car already got in trouble for it twice. We were so exhausted last night after having no luck opening the door, that we decided to try to sleep in the bed of the truck. We bundled up in everything we had and laid down. It really wasn't even that uncomfortable. But we were out there for an hour before I started having a mind numbing panic attack. I was so cold that I couldn't feel half of my body. So we had to go back into Epoch to get in from the cold, even though we were very tired. It took me literally 45 minutes before I could stop shivering after we got back into Epoch. It was terrible. All I could do was sit in the chair and shake. Car bought me a coffee with the last two dollars that we have to our name and let me hold it in my hands so I could warm up faster. Now 5 hours later I am still saving that last sip of cold coffee while we sit on this couch trying to hold our heads up, but at least we're out of the cold. The sun has already come up now and I smell breakfast food. It's making me soooo hungry. I don't know when the next time I'll be able to eat is. This really sucks. I'm hungry and thirsty and can't even get to any of my medicine because it is in the truck. I called and/or texted everyone I knew to ask for help, but most of them ignored me, and the ones who didn't basically just said tough luck. I don't blame any of them though. If anyone deserves this, it's me. I'm not upset or anything about this because I know it's my fault and I had it coming to me. I'm just really sad and worried and I feel terrible. I don't know why this had to happen during this new cold front. It was the most cold night in a long time and that's just my luck.

Don't panic. Don't panic. Don't panic. Okay, Xanax kicked in, I'm good. Fuck! This just stopped being fun. And Car is pissing me off. And he's not in this. And we have $2.06 to our name right now. And we've been living in his truck in Zilker Park and it's been the most fun thing in the world until he started going all manic depressive on me and now it's obviously just depressing instead of fun. Oh, and cold. Anyways I guess our plan now is that we're getting a guitar from somewhere and we're sitting out on Congress tomorrow and playing for change. Hopefully we'll get enough to at least split a hot dog from Exxon. Can't go home cause we have no gas. Can't call for help because my phone was stolen. And no one would even help me if I did ask anyways. He begged his dad to wire him enough money to get us back to Huntsville for a day so he can get his clothes and stuff, but his dad wouldn't. So he asked for just enough money for food down here and apparently his dad yelled at him and Car has been depressed and pissed off at everything ever since. And I'm really starting to think he's bipolar. He has all the symptoms. And I of all people know bipolar like the back of my hand. It doesn't make me hate him at all of course, or think any less of him. But it does make me wish I could help him, and wish he could get medicine for it. So I've been thinking of splitting my medicine with him until he can get checked out. Anyways and now I'm pissed off because I was supposed to be getting paid for staying in Victoria and helping Nana, but apparently I didn't get paid at all for any of it. So I guess the first two months of 2012 were completely wasted for me. No phone. No money. No food. No water. No gas. No home. And not even a happy boyfriend anymore. My exciting week of playing neon hippie gypsy nomad runaway adventure life has officially come to a disturbing halt. And now we're just screwed. But I guess at least we're screwed together. Anyways, I'm at Epoch right now because it has free internet so we used our last gas to get here in order to get in touch with the outside world. We couldn't even afford any coffee here, but I wish we could have because it smells so good. And that reminds me how hungry I am. And I keep seeing all these dogs in Zilker Park and they all make me miss Sammie so much. I feel like a piece of me is missing. I feel like a mom who left her child behind. I have been asking Cassie to take extra special good care of him. I hope she's been wrapping him up in his puffy coat during these cold nights, and letting him sleep in her bed. I guess all I can do is ask Jenni if I can have the jewelry I gave her back so I can pawn it. Or maybe sell all my drugs to Blaine. Otherwise I'm going hungry for a while. Ugh I feel like crying. I guess I need another Xanax. I wish we had enough gas to get back to Jonestown so I could at least get Sammie. He would make me feel all better.