I pledge allegiance
to the underworld
one nation under dog
there of which I stand alone
a face in the crowd
unsung against the mold
Without a doubt
singled out
the only way I know!

So I'm listening to Green Day at full blast again, sitting at the computer in Jonestown writing this... What's new, right? But nothing is okay now. There is no relief; there is no end in sight; there is no hope; and there is no coming back from this. "So make the best of this test and don't ask why..." I had the time of my life. And now it's over. I wish I could get sober. I wish this was over. "For what it's worth, it was worth all the while..." Was it though? Yes, yes it was. But it's gone now and there's absolutely nothing I can do but do myself in with drugs and alcohol. Drinking till I'm dry seems to be my average now. I can't write, I can't act, I can't sing, I can't be me, I can't survive this, I can't do anygoddamnthing anymore. But I can drink and smoke and break my heart. I can do that. Can't bring myself to even open the envelope from Xandria that I'm sure is contained of photos and drawings that would make my heart melt over my little boy. But I can't open it. I can't even look. How low am I? God, all I ask is that you never let Chance feel this way. Never let him become this. Please don't give him whatever horrible mental illness that I am plagued with. Please let him live a normal, happy life. And please let him forget about me. Please don't let me ruin anything for him... God, I can't even believe that I have created a human being who is now old enough to walk, talk, and remember... God, please don't give him my memory. It would be cruel and undeserved punishment for his non-mother's sins. I wouldn't wish this photographic memory on anyone in the world, and I wish it would die already. I want to get amnesia more than anyone in the world... That's why I keep hitting myself in the head and banging my body around. I don't want to be a pretty little thing that sits around and gets abused by badges and beaten and broken. I hate everything and I can't bare to go on anymore. I went to my dad's closet and dragged out the rifle that I knew was standing in the back right corner, well hidden by shoes and clothes. I sat there on my knees with the gun in my lap. The handle was wet with tears I was dripping, and I tried to hold it to my head, but couldn't reach the trigger while holding it there. So I pushed it up against my throat, but still couldn't reach the trigger with the proper angle... I don't want to keep living, but be disfigured or in a coma. If I'm aiming at all, I'm aiming to kill... So I shoved the barrel in my mouth, to the point of gagging and I gripped the trigger... I sat there for a minute or so, just feeling the gun in my mouth, imagining the bullet blowing through my skull... I am no idiot, I knew I couldn't bring myself to pull the trigger. I knew it all along... I wasn't trying to kill myself, I was trying to get used to the idea... I know that the first time I grab a gun and stick it in my mouth won't be the time I can gather up the guts to pull it. But I do know that in order to go through with anything, it takes getting familiar with it first. I just wanted to start getting used to the idea of a gun in my mouth because some day I will use it, and I am hoping that day comes sooner, rather than later. I must be jaded and desensitized before I am able to get the guts up enough to pull the trigger... I am not going to fail; I just couldn't work up the courage today. I am holding out hope that someday soon I will be just strong enough and just weak enough to finally do it. I am done with writing now; this is as much as I could do. The End. For now.

I'm bleeding out
I'm going to jail
I'm homeless
I'm on foot
I'm a deadbeat
I'm not going to make it

I woke up in a pool of sweat,
At first I thought that I pissed the bed.
Haunted stories in the midnight hour,
The kiss of death on the Eiffel Tower.

And I went down,
Like the speed of sound.
You're out of sight,
But not out of mind.
I had a dream that I kissed your lips and it felt so true.
Then I woke up as a nervous wreck and I fell for you.
I'll spend the night living in denial.
Making paper planes just for a while.
I'll crash into you, crash into you,
Did you crash in my imagination too?

Break a leg and you crush my heart,
I'm a mess and you're a work of art.
Got your blessings going 0 to 5,
Steal a kiss and I took a dive.

And I went down,
Like the speed of sound.
You're out of sight,
But not out of mind.
I had a dream that I kissed your lips and it felt so true.
Then I woke up as a nervous wreck and I fell for you.
I'll spend the night living in denial.
Making paper planes just for a while.
I'll crash into you, crash into you,
Did you crash in my imagination?

I had a dream that I kissed your lips and it felt so true.
Then I woke up as a nervous wreck,
And I fell for you [x3]

Hey, little kid
did you wake up late one day?
You're not so young, but you're still dumb
and you're numb to your old glory,
but now it's gone.

I fell in love,
but it didn't catch your fall.
Then I crashed, to a wall
Then I fell to pieces on the floor.
Now you're sick to death.

Bombs away!
Here goes nothing, the shouting's over.
Hey X-Kid, bombs away!
Here goes nothing, the shouting's over and out,
over and out again.

I once was old enough to know better
then I was too young to care.
but who cares?
I probably would but Hollywood is dead and gone

You fell in love,
but then you just fell apart.
Like a kick in the head,
you're an X-Kid and you
never even got started again.

Bombs away!
Here goes nothing, the shouting's over.
Hey X-Kid, bombs away!
Here goes nothing, the shouting's over and out,
over and out...

And you were searching your soul
and you got lost and out of control.
You went over the edge of joking,
died of a broken heart!

Hey, little kid
did you wake up late one day?
You're not so young, but you're still dumb.
You're an X-kid and you never even got started again.

Bombs away!
Here goes nothing, the shouting's over.
Hey X-Kid, bombs away!
Here goes nothing, the shouting's over.

Hey X-Kid, bombs away!
Here goes nothing, the shouting's over.

Hey X-Kid, bombs away!
Here goes nothing, the shouting's over and out,
over and out,
over and over and out!

This whiskey sour, amateur hour
Raise your glass and toast your friends
Some day we will fight again, well
Your enemies, your tragedies
Pocket knives and rusty chains
Where in the hell is the old gang at?

And all the losers
Can't even win for losing
And the beginners
Don't even know what song they're singing

[x2:]
Well there's no one left around
And you're the last gang in town
And your heart can't even break
When it doesn't even pound

This broken scene is turning green
Brass knuckles left in the rain
Death wish kids among the living
I wanna ride on the divided
Anything but the mainstream
Where the fuck is your old gang, man?

And all the losers
Can't even win for losing
And the beginners
Don't even know what song they're singing

[x2:]
Well there's no one left around
And you're the last gang in town
And your heart can't even break
When it doesn't even pound

So long...
Didn't even say a goodnight
So long...
There's nowhere to go
When you're hiding in plain sight

[x4:]
Well there's no one left around
And you're the last gang in town
And your heart can't even break
When it doesn't even pound

SAILOOOOOOOO

Waking up, feeling naked
In my clothes
Inside a room that's vacant

Lost my nerve
It's un-nerving
I know there is something I'm forgetting..

I searched the moon
I lost my head
I even looked under the bed
I punched the walls
I hit the street
I'm pounding the pavement looking

I'm missing you
I'm missing you
You're not around
And I'm a complete disaster!
I'm missing you

Remember, was the first time
I told you I loved you at the bus station
Don't forget, cause it's not over
I'm not lost cause I'm just missing you

I searched the moon
I lost my head
I even looked under the bed
I punched the walls
I hit the street
I'm pounding the pavement lookin'

I'm missing you
I'm missing you
You're not around
And I'm a complete disaster!
I'm missing you

Say hey!

Well she's my blood
Well she's my soul
I get so lost out in the cold
Feels so far
Like this lone star
It gets so hard
When I'm missing you

I'm missing you
I'm missing you
You're not around
And I'm a fucking disaster!
I'm missing you

Where in the world’s the forgotten?
They’re lost inside your memory
You’re dragging on, your heart’s been broken
As we all go down in history

Where in the world did the time go?
It’s where your spirit seems to roam
Like losing faith to our abandon
Or an empty hallway from a broken home

Well don’t look away from the arms of a bad dream
Don’t look away, sometimes you’re better lost than to be seen

I don’t feel strange, it’s more like haunted
Another moment trapped in time
I can’t quite put my finger on it
But it’s like a child that was left behind

So where in the world’s the forgotten?
Like soldiers from a long lost war
We share the scars from our abandon
And what we remember becomes folklore

Well, don’t look away from the arms of a bad dream
Don’t look away, sometimes you’re better lost than to be seen
Don’t look away from the arms of a moment
Don’t look away from the arms of tomorrow
Don’t look away from the arms of a moment
Don’t look away from the arms of love

Well, don’t look away from the arms of a bad dream
Don’t look away, sometimes you’re better lost than to be seen
Don’t look away from the arms of a moment
Don’t look away from the arms of tomorrow
Don’t look away from the arms of a moment
Don’t look away from the arms of love

Yes, yes, yes. Come back to me now, Green Day. And come back to me now, Xanga. Maybe somewhere in the in-between is where my soul is hiding. I mean, where else could I be? But oh GOD DAMN, the way I miss you! And the way that I miss me... I want to be back here. I want SO BADLY to come "home". I want to be back in International. I want to be Shelley Baker Trouble Maker again. Calling card. Name of trade. Name is gone. I am done. The end, move on. The lonely one...

I don't have long to talk. I just, I, I miss you, Xanga.
I'll be back.