"Ten-months-clean", felt nice;
but "ten-mgs-in", felt nicer...
And I guess sometimes you die -
in order to get higher...
And I guess some people burn inside;
and some get lit on fire...
But circles circle-on forever,
and flames erupt from lighters...
That you flicker with your friends;
such an eerie, hopeless laughter -
& Did you ever wonder if...?
This short-straw will be here after...?
You're gone...
You're gone...
You're gone...
You're wrong;
and dead!
?

Kid, now I know I promised you;
but we both know I can't help it;
and what's another bump or two?;
Through the nose of the most well-practiced?
I think I started this for good...
But who kept track of all this bullshit?
I see you hiding in the corner...
Kid, like you could kick this habit?
You couldn't.
Well, you couldn't.
So don't judge it.
Just fuck it.
So I scream, "YOU CAN HAVE IT!"
And laugh then;
just have it -
this habit.
My habit....
But give back -
my habit...
You can't have....
Don't grab it!
It's ALL MINE!
My habit.My habit.My habit.
Now give it.
I'm cracking.
So GIVE IT!
I'm cracked-up.
I'm cracked, love.
The cracked egg.
The cracked one.
My habit.
Just be done.
My habit.
Just
be
done
.
....

I woke up.
I did drugs.
I hung in.
I passed out.
*End day one*

I woke up.
I did drugs.
I hung in.
I passed out.
*End day two*

I woke up.
woke up
woke
wokewoke
woke
I I Iiiiiìiii.............
Woke up;
I didid
drugs; I
I HUNG
in...
in
ininin
I;
passed out.
I
I
I........

I woke up.
I did drugs.
I...didthedishes...
I hung in.
I passed out.
*End day 5280*

I woke up.
I did drugs.
I...tookashower...
I hung in.
I passed out.
*End day 5281*

I woke up.
I did drugs.
I...signedupforfreeimprovclassesdowntown...
I hung in.
I passed out.
*End day 5282*

I woke up.
And;
I was smiling.
And it was familiar.
And sweet.
And pure.
And true.
And dry.
And ice.
And dreamed.
And written.
But written.
It was written.
...
*End day *

I can't write.
I can't type.
I couldn't say.
I won't die.
I can't be,
I can't lie.
I can't do.
I can't deny.
I can't.
I can't.
I can't.
...
But I can,
write this.
And I can,
type this.
And I can,
say this.
And I will,
do this.
And I'll tell,
you this.
And I'll do,
myself in.
And I'll deny,
myself the win.
Then I can't;
so I won't;
so I don't;
so I can't;
so you're screwed;
so I'm dead;
now you're screwed;
and I'm dead;
and I'm dead;
and I'm dead;
brain-dead;
brain-dead;
brain-dead.

Feelings are fleeting;
the truth sticks...

I... can't... do this anymore....
I need out.
I need help.
I can't quit dreaming of the me that coulda-shoulda-woulda-been...
I can't get you out of my head.
You're everywhere that's anywhere.
You soak up my whole bed.
I hate you.
I want you.
I miss you.
I trust you.
I'll listen to you.
I loved you.
I need you.
I need you.

I was in another car crash.
I survived a car crash, once again.
My car crashes all the time now;
They seem to be the trend.
Sometimes they leave dents.
Sometimes they leave scars.
Sometimes someone asks if I'm okay.
But most people only care about the car...
Cause cars can do no wrong,
So crashes aren't their fault.
I must've just deserved it;
I guess I must a lot...

"I've
known it from the start,
all these good ideas
can tear your brain
apart...
Scared; but you,
you follow me.
I'm too weird to live,
but much too rare to die."

Look, Xanga,
here's the deal...
I don't know how to talk to you anymore.
It's ridiculous.
And unnatural.
And pointless.
And why
am
I
even
writing
this?
Well, I don't know...
BUT,
I DO know,
that even if I don't write anything else all year -
I'll still be right back,
here;
writing...
When my membership runs out in February...
Renewing again;
like a fool...
Like a Xanga-fool-in-love...
Because - even though I KNOW it's stupid -
and though I KNOW it doesn't make sense...
You,
Xanga,
are one of the only things 'still-standin'
from those glory days;
and all the non-glory days alike...
And on my honor,
if you'd like -
I'll swear my end to you;
and I'll just write...
And write;
and keep writing;
and writing;
and writing....
I've learned something about "priorities",
and I know now, that it doesn't matter;
whether I use my $48-per-year-Xanga-membership to get rich and famous and offset the costs;
or if I never even write a word...
Well, why?
Because guys...
Sometimes;
in this life,
you say "bye",
to SOME things,
but SOMETIMES,
you might find,
something
that you...
just.
can't.
live die.
without.
...
&Now you must,
know where this..
is going now!
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
I LOVE YOU;
I'LL LEAVE YOU;
UNTIL THEN;
I'LL BREATHE YOU;
&I'VE LEFT YOU;
&LOST YOU;
BUT I CAME BACK;
IT WAS PASSED-DUE;
&I CAN'T LIVE;
WITHOUT YOU;
I JUST SIT IN;
THINK ABOUT YOU;
I GUESS I;
JUST NEED YOU;
TO KNOW THAT;
I WANT YOU;
I WANT YOU;
I WANT YOU;
&I GOT YOU....
...
YOU WEREN'T FIRST;
YOU WERE THE ONE;
YOU TAUGHT ME;
HOW TO OUTRUN;
YOU SHOT ME;
XANGIE'S GOT A GUN?
YOU GOT ME;
I'M ALL XANGAN....
AND SHAMELESS;
AND NAMELESS;
AND CARELESS;
AND WRECKLESS;
&IF I BREAK LOSE;
YOU CAN'T CHANGE THIS;
NOT THAT YOU'D;
WANT TO....
BUT;
IN THE END;
ON THE RUN;
WHEN TIME'S UP;
&I'M DONE;
WHETHER I;
GIVE UP;
OR LIVE ON;
STRIVE FOR;
OR STRAY FROM;
MELT-DOWN;
LEAN-ON;
BRICK-WALL;
FREE-RUN;
FREE-FALL;
PISCES;
TWO TWINS;
TWO DREAMS;
WHO NO ONE;
BELIEVES;
AS IF THEY'D;
EVEN GRIEVE....
BUT;
...
....
...
But...
but, in the end,
-evenifitneveraddsupand-
-evenifitnevermakessense-
I'll be right here;
same ol' place as always.
And I'll be writing,
and writing,
and writing,
and writing.
And even if I died,
or am dying,
I'll still just be here.....
writing;
writing;
writing;
writing;
writing;
writing;
writing;
trying;
writing;
writing;
writing;
writing;
writing;
writing;
writing;
&smiling...

Step One: DON'T write on Xanga.
Whatever you do, DON'T ever even get a Xanga...