Whenever I'm missing Corey, these are the songs I listen to:

Let Her Go - Passenger
Santeria - Sublime
Yellow - Coldplay
Lips of an Angel - Hinder
Accidentally In Love - Counting Crows
Peace - OAR
Everlong - Foo Fighters
Wonderwall - Oasis
Tim McGraw - Taylor Swift
Say it Ain't So - Weezer
Trouble - Coldpay

Have you ever had a dream so vivid about a dead person whom you haven't seen in a while, that it made you wonder if dreams can connect with the afterlife? If that really was them in your dream that you were talking to? That wherever they are right now, they talked to you too? ...

I saw Papa last night in my dream, and it was so him and so normal. He's been dead too long to be able to remember all those details while asleep, right? Most dreams are just dreams to me, but every once in a while I wake up and have an inner feeling that it was more than a dream, or that the characters were more than dreampt up by me. I woke up with that feeling, and I walked out into the living room with a cold feeling. He had just been right there, talking to me, laughing with me, telling me to hurry up for church... And then just like that, poof, he was gone.
The morning sun was fresh in the sky outside my window, and I glanced at my phone. It was 9:43am on Sunday. If I was in Victoria, I would be arriving at the church right then. If Papa was still alive, he'd have gotten us there at 9:30am instead, due to his ever-fast, but always good, driving. The thought of that made me cry. It all seemed just like yesterday. Not abnormal. The feeling still shocks me about how familiar it still all is... Or would be.

So I've been listening to a lot of Avenged Sevenfold since springtime... They remind me of Uncle Ben.. And when I say 'remind me', I mean that in the deepest, most complex, truest meaning ever... In fact, call me crazy, - thank God there's no one left here to call me crazy - but I actually believe with all my heart, that there are certain songs out there that are actually my uncle talking specifically to me. And I feel like he's alive with me every time I listen to them. It gives me closure, reassurance, and an enormous feeling of protection. But of course there are the doubts, and the worldly perceptions I still hold onto, that this is impossible. But I get a different feeling every time I listen to these songs.. It's not all A7X songs, sometimes it's others.. Hurt by Trent Reznor, the version by Johnny Cash, was the first song that I felt was my uncle trying to speak to me beyond the grave. He told me once that it was a song he was proud of having just learned on his guitar. After his death, it took on a new meaning.
Now I think that I have somewhat of a supernatural ability to connect with others - living and dead - through music. And that makes me happy. But it also makes me wonder...
Where is Papa?
Why can't I reach Papa?
Is it a matter of finding him?
Is he in any of the songs out there?
Which one is right?
How long will it take to find it?
Where should I be searching?
Are there any clues here to find it?
Will he ever turn up?
Will I ever talk to him again?
Does he still exist?
Was last night's dream really him?
Is he still here?
Is he closer than I think?
?

Afterlife
Almost Easy
Bat Country
Beast and the Harlot
Buried Alive
Coming Home
Crimson Day
Dear God
Fiction
Hail To The King
A Little Piece of Heaven
M.I.A.
Nightmare
Scream
Seize the Day
So Far Away
Victim
Welcome to the Family

I'm sitting here trying to let the words flow straight on through to this page.. What can I say? It's been a while.

Songs of the summer so far:
Let Her Go - Passenger
Wreck of the Day - Anna Nalick [repeat from summer 2010]
Breathing - Yellowcard
Santeria - Sublime [repeat from summer 2011]
Lips of an Angel - Hinder
Accidentally In Love - Counting Crows [repeat from summer 2008]
Peace - O.A.R.
Wonderwall - Oasis [repeat from summer 2006]
Everlong - Foo Fighters
Disappear - Motion City Soundtrack
Her Words Destroyed My Planet - Motion City Soundtrack
The Weakends - Motion City Soundtrack
Gravity - My Chemical Romance
We Remain - a Corey Jackson original
Welcome to the Family - Avenged Sevenfold
Coming Home - Avenged Sevenfold
Trouble - Coldplay
Yellow - Coldplay
Rainbow in the Dark - Das Racist
Hoes in Different Area Codes - Ludacris
Disenchanted - My Chemical Romance

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And the light's always red in the rear-view
Desperately close to a coffin of hope
I'd cheat destiny just to be near you
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And I'm thinking 'bout calling on Jesus
'Cause love doesn't hurt so I know I'm not falling in love
I'm just falling to pieces

And if this is giving up then I'm giving up
If this is giving up then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love

And maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love
When all my resistance will never be distance enough

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And it's finally quiet in my head
Driving alone, finally on my way home to the comfort of my bed
And if this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love

Eyes are feeling heavy but they never seem to close
The fan blades on the ceiling spin but the air is never cold
And even though you are next to me I still feel so alone
I just can't give you anything for you to call your own

And I can feel you breathing
And it's keeping me awake
Can you feel it beating?
My heart's sinking like a weight

Something I've been keeping locked away behind my lips
I can feel it breaking free with each and every kiss
I couldn't bear to hurt you but it's all so different now
Things that I was sure of, they have filled me up with doubt

And I can feel you breathing
And it's keeping me awake
Can you feel it beating?
My heart's sinking like a weight

I can feel you breathing
It's keeping me awake
Could you stop my heart? It's always beating.
Sinking like a weight

How am I supposed to feel about the things I've done?
I don't know if I should stay or turn around and run
I know that I hurt you, things will never be the same
The only love I ever knew, I threw it all away

And I can feel you breathing
And it's keeping me awake
Can you feel it beating?
My heart's sinking like a weight

I can feel you breathing
It's keeping me awake
Could you stop my heart? It's always beating.
Sinking like a weight

I miss his cute half smile that he does when his green eyes light up because he's excited. I miss getting to see that and kiss that. I miss he way we cuddled. I miss the way we connected in unexpected ways. I miss his tongue. I miss his voice. I miss it like a god damn vice. I miss the jam sessions together. I miss the way I could be myself. Oh my god, I miss it all really bad right now, and I'm trying SO HARD to not crack and text him because I really do want to stay faithful now, and I haven't gone back on it yet, but it's SO damn hard... I think I'll go smoke a bowl and/or make some food to take my mind off it... Ive been trying my best to get Carlton to be the one to take my mind off it, cause naturally that would be the best thing to refocus on right now, but he won't wake up, and I can't exactly tell him that the reason I need him to wake up right now is because my heart is aching over another guy, especially THAT guy... He wouldn't understand, and he wouldn't see that I'm really trying hard to stay faithful, he'd only hear that I'm still not over Corey, and that would cause another fight, which would cause me to long for him even worse, and it would just not end well. So yeah, I guess I'll try something else to distract me... I'm literally at war with myself right now, just begging myself to stay strong and keep that line closed, this sucksssss!!!

One wild new ride in a brand new Car,
the mustang that might have won my heart,
and the first note strummed on his acoustic guitar,
took us right back to the start...
It was a hot night in the summertime,
We took shots and then he sang Sublime.
It didn't last, I don't know why.
The first time never left our minds.
So I took a chance, is that a crime?
Sometimes I wish I'd stayed that night...
Oh well, whatever, never mind.
Here I am now, all alone.
Sitting in a lifeless home,
replaying what might have been our song,
but I miss the way he sang along..
And I miss the way he held my hand,
the destiny we can't understand,
if it was meant to be, he would be my man..
Sometimes green eyes just drive me mad.
At least I didn't fall too hard,
in the end, for the fancy car..
Or forbidden passion masked in the dark..
All blame lies on that acoustic guitar.

The one that might have won my heart...
</3

1. I missed my court date this morning, can't get through on the phone - can't even leave a message; I haven't talked to my probation officer yet, though I was supposed to three weeks ago - been calling daily, she won't call back; and if I was to be assigned a drug test anytime within the next month, they'd award me a metal for the amount of things I'd come up positive for... In all legal senses, I am a sitting duck just waiting to be plucked up and hauled back off to jail any second now. They have my address, and have been known to show up at random for these type of matters. And since it's a felony offense, the only way out is either to do the time, or flee the COUNTRY... In other words; I'm looking into lawyers right now. But I'm probably fucked. And this really isn't my fault either. I've jumped through every stupid hoop of theirs that was able to be jumped through, and the ones that I wasn't able to jump through, I TRIED many times. But they don't care about that, so I'm screwed because they dropped the ball. Like everyone else in the world. They only care about themselves. Fuck freedom. Fuck justice. Fuck liberty. Viva-La Doughnuts, and patronizing people.

2. Carlton's family. [See last post for further rant]

3. No money

4. No car

5. Bikes are probably stolen

6. Community service time is running out

6 1/2. Pompous jackass roommate

7. No phone

8. No friends

9. No computer

10. No job

11. No help

So it's summer and I'm in trouble. Real trouble now though, not even fun trouble. I dropped the sideshow to stick by the main act, and in doing so I dropped the only fun piece of trouble I've had this year. Fuck my life. Everyone except my immediate family keeps screwing me over. I would say that Carlton isn't screwing me over, but his horrible family members are the majority of my personal problems (so much so that their wrongdoings are extending to hurting even my fucking family), and none of that is Carlton's fault, but he has never ever stood up for me or my family, or even himself for that matter, to his monstrous parents. And they have literally STOLEN multiple times from both me and Carlton, and my family. They are the number one source of stress in my life, and Carlton not only won't stick up for me, but he won't even quit kissing their fucking asses left and right. Now, I understand the reason he continues to suck up to his father, (if he can even be called that - it honestly now just seems like an actual insult to real fathers out there, to even refer to that selfish dick by the word 'father') it's because his father, like his mother, is a selfish spoiled rotten idiot, BUT the only difference is that even though Tiffany (his mom) is the most selfish and immature "mother" I have ever met, it's easy to tell (sometimes) that she DOES indeed feel compassion for her son, whether bitter or not... But his father honestly has NO other motives for ever helping Carlton other than ultimately selfish reasons. I'm told he has suffered brain damage and therefore it's not his fault that he actually is incapable of caring for the person that HIS irresponsible teenage dick created if not for some sort of promise of self-gain in the end... But he isn't "retarded" by any means, and I'm very convinced that he is using this as an easy excuse to not have to take responsibility for the only good thing that has ever come from that asshole... The long point I'm not yet making, is that his dad can ONLY be sucked up to (and when I say sucking up... I mean SUCKING FUCKING UP.) in order to "help" Carlton, even minutely. And unfortunately, due to my parents being broke, and Carlton's rich family being scumbags, we are in a terrible position that requires some amount of extra help. And yes, I know it's jerky and cliche to "blame the parents" for our poverty issue, but we WERE doing GREAT, and needed only as much assistance as the next twenty something year old. But then our house burned down and we got screwed. It's only been downhill from there, and Carlton's family acts like it's our fault that we aren't in the same position that their rich asses are in. So it IS their faults now, and those two "parents" really have dropped the ball on their kid, just because they aren't legally supposed to take care of him now that he's an adult... This of course, is not okay with me, but at least the blow would be a little softer if Carlton could only follow the logic I am, that if they have decided that 18 years old means that they are finally cut free from their irresponsible teenage mistake, then he should decide that 18 years old means finally being cut free from having to deal with those people. (And the 'mistake' I'm referring to, is NOT of having Carlton - but of the terribly mistaken decision they made that they were capable of caring for another human being at such an immature age - yeah, yeah, I know; we all know that ONE teenager who had her kid in high school and still managed to put herself through college and now has a good career, and yes the poor bastard kid has been happy and well cared for the whole time, yada yada; there are exceptions to every rule. But let's face it, the vast majority of 18 year olds are only dooming the poor children they do the honor of "keeping"... And what a demeaning fucking word for those of us who actually chose a better life for the child they created, by granting them the Chance at a real family who really wanted a kid, who will really help and care for the kid, even though, believe it or not!, they actually DID want to keep the kid for themselves... But THAT doesn't deserve a sweet word like "keeping", nope. That's called "giving him up"... Giving fucking up... THAT'S what the parents who care enough about their child to break their OWN heart over him are doing. And all the 18 year old Tiffany's in the world are praised and thrown money at left and right, because they did the "right thing", and "kept" their child... FUCK THAT, they are HORRIBLE parents.) BUT Carlton refuses to quit kissing their asses, and that is where enlies the core problem.. Essentially, he's choosing them over me, whether if only for pussy reasons or not. But his father's assistance can ONLY come from a stroked ego and a kissed ass, so I actually can't fault Carlton for that one.. It's unfortunate, but necessary. But his mother?? Like I said, she IS the worst mother I've ever known, but at least it is somewhat evident that IF a situation ever arose where she knew she would not gain anything from helping her son in crisis, well, she would bitch about it to no end, comfortably atop her expensive high and mighty tower, but I do think that she would probably come through for him. At least that's good. But even though it would be SLIGHTLY unfair to her if Carlton ever did cut it out with powdering her ass, but continued to give that evil fucking father of his the star treatment, just because he's SLIGHTLY the more selfish parent, it still isn't enough to outweigh her selfishness and warrant being respected in any way by her son. So when Carlton kisses her creepy fat ass, THAT is NOT excusable to me... There is no reason for him to keep up the charade that she is a good mother, or ever has been. She's just still the little spoiled whore she was in high school when she decided that she was mature enough to care for another person. She still thinks she's a good mother, and she still uses that as her precious little excuse for all her shortcomings... It's not her fault that she's irresponsible and drunk as hell 24/7 and is more creepily obsessed with Facebook than any other thing in her life, including people - because gosh darnit, the poor thing never had the CHANCE at a normal young life because of the selfless burden she accepted of taking on a child at such an early age... But no one ever stops to think that adoption was a viable option back then, and she knew that. It actually just looks a lot better, and you get a lot more money, if you "keep" your unwanted child... Back up. How do I know that she knew about adoption back then? Because she GAVE UP her second kid. Selfless, right? Well, no. Apparently that was the kid she had that came from a short affair that ended her marriage with Carlton's dad, less than a year after his birth, and since the dad opted out, she knew she wouldn't get any child support out of the whole deal. (Honestly, a GOOD choice. It's NOT irresponsible if a father who knows he can't or won't care properly for a child, relinquishes their parental rights... It's SO taboo, and SO looked down upon - even more so than women - for a man to do that. But consider the alternative: an unready father who is too proud to suffer the slings and arrows of 15 minutes of shame, to save the child he created, well, he could just end up the same jerk that Carlton's dad is... And in the end, the child has the best chance if that father manned up and accepted the fact that the outcome would indeed be harmful to his creation.) Funny how she managed to keep both kids who were as good as a gaurantee for 18 years of free money for ipads, Coach purses, and shiny new cars, yet her only "selfless" decision made towards the life of her baby, was also the only one who didn't come with a cash prize. Soooo selfless. Fucking cunt. Anywho, I have to pee and I'm tired of bitching. I really needed to rant though, it feels great to finally get all this out of me, even if no one will ever read it. At least the resentment isn't just sitting there stewing inside of me anymore. Thanks for being like a selfless parent at times, Xanga. You're always here to lend your honest ear, even after months of my wayward child acts... Thanks, just thanks.