Just a couple bricks, some nails, and a lot of wood.
Saved my life like I never knew it could.

Always thought I'd be the one to leave.
How could my home just move away from me?

It went something like:

Love, loss, and drugs
in the life that you loved,
in a room that once was
where you slept.

Just a world made of mud,
and not enough hugs,
and too many bugs,
in the kitchen you loved,
and all the beer-money
well spent.

To you it was home,
and you made it your own.
Safe from their stones,
you were never alone.
Always knew when you'd go
you'd come back.

It was that hope in tomorrow,
like the sweet smell of sorrow,
for the love that you borrowed,
from somewhere afar,
in a line in a poem
you read.

So you saw all the news,
held a box of tissues,
that you never used,
but couldn't refuse
from someone who said
"It's okay."

But what they don't know,
is that fire burns slow,
and it just won't let go
of your heart and your soul.
When you're watching your home
on some network news show,
pretending to know,
all the stories that lived
in your space.

They tell you it's gone now,
and ask if you know how
to let go and move out.
Then offer their wise help.
But they won't figure out
that if they did know how,
they wouldn't call your home
a "house".

They tell you not to fall,
to smile like a doll.
Quit acting so small,
now stand up and don't crawl.
But you can still see the walls,
hear the creaks in the hall,
feel the life of it all,
cause it's still standing tall
in your heart.

More than just things,
and gold diamond rings.
The heartache it brings,
it sticks and it stings.
But you're safe in your dreams,
at home and at ease,
begging God on your knees,
to not make you leave,
just wake up again,
in this dream.

But he never responds,
and you fear that he's gone,
or been gone all along,
just exists in the songs.
So you cry to the thought
that you'll always be lost.
You turn and you toss,
hold your tears at all costs,
and take comfort in knowing
you'll die.

You just wanna run,
and scream at the sun.
Can't tell anyone
that your version of fun,
Will always go something
like:

Love, loss, and drugs
in the life that you loved,
in a room that once was
where you slept.

Burning down in the life of yesterday.
Turned around just to watch it burn away.
Never gonna let go
of these matches.
In a life I,
live in ashes.

Colors shined right through a world of grey.
And I, had it good, but I let it slip away.
Never gonna get another
last chance.
In a car that,
had it's last crash.

I dream in fire.
But I dreamed in color.
I walked on water,
but I'm going under.
I dreamed of the
sun and the sea, and everything,
and you'll never ever know how
much that means.
I had it coming.
Hit the ground running.
Put me on trial,
Call it denial.
But life's not a court
room democracy.
So I'll never ever love, or live in peace.
Cause I dreamed in color.
But I dream in fire...

Just a couple bricks, some nails, and a lot of wood.
Saved my life like I never knew it could.
Left my heart in a place that doesn't exist.
Oh someone tell me,
where's the exit?

Always thought I'd be the one to leave.
How could my home just move away from me?
Packed up bags and left without a goodbye.
So God, it's your turn,
just wanna know why.

I dream in fire.
But I dreamed in color.
I walked on water,
but I'm going under.
I dreamed of the
sun and the sea, and everything,
and you'll never ever know how
much that means.
I had it coming.
Hit the ground running.
Put me on trial,
Call it denial.
But life's not a court
room democracy.
So I'll never ever love, or live in peace.
Cause I dreamed in color.
But I dream in fire...

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

Last year my new medicine completely fixed me. It found where I've been hiding, and brought me back to myself. It re-lit that long lost spark. It reunited me with the girl I used to be; the girl I was always supposed to be. It woke up my soul and changed it all back... My medicine did that.

I was back. I was back. I WAS BACK.

But now I'm not. I lost myself all over again. I'm gone. The spark went out, again. My soul is now no more than an echo of the laughter that once was here. All over again. I waited. I waited 8 years. I waited patiently and hopefully for a while. Then as the years passed I grew more accustomed to being a different girl. I told myself it didn't matter anymore, that I was never coming back, that I couldn't change that, and that that part of me was gone forever. Just a life I'll never live. An old friend I'll never see... But I was wrong.

I came back when I got my new medicine. I came home to myself and patched the holes in my heart. I refilled all of those empty smiles. I skateboarded. I biked. I wrote. I read. I sang. I danced. I cheered. I walked. I stayed up all night. I kept a summer diary. I had a wonderful 4th of July. I painted my room turquoise like that water in the Bahamas. I had soup day. I painted my face and wore jerseys. I played games. I played video games. I revived my dreams and changed them back into possibilities. I got out of bed. I socialized. I partied. I went places. I thanked God. I lived. I loved. I laughed. I found peace. I smiled in pictures... without posing. I surrounded myself with friends every single day. I was goofy. I was spirited. I was happy. So, so happy. All because my new medicine brought me home again. And for only the second time in my life, I knew I had it good. And I cherished every moment of just being alive, and being back.

So where did I go? Why did I leave? How did I lose me again? Will it take another 8 years of numbness before I can be me again? Or will I never come back this time? Why did God give me everything back, just to take it all away again? And what happened to my medicine? I still take it every day when I'm supposed to. I'm on an even higher dose now. Besides that, nothing has changed. So why did it stop working so suddenly? I can't seem to find the answer to that question anywhere. I keep trying and trying to figure out what could have possibly happened to make my medicine just stop working, after it had just saved my life. I couldn't come up with a single reason, except...

What if it wasn't the medicine?

What if it was something more? Something stronger, something undeniable, something real... What if the medicine was nothing more than a single pawn on my side of the chess board? What if it was just one piece of an intricate puzzle that was finally put back together again? And what if the cure for brokenness didn't lay inside a little blue pill, or even two of them? What if it had been hiding inside life all this time? Just waiting for me to put the pieces of the puzzle back again, where they all fit.

What if there was some magic in that skateboard? What if there was magic in my friends? What if International was a wishing well, and every dream I'd ever lost was a penny? What if that old street we walked down at night, was really made of gold? What if those books read me? What if I wrote myself back to life? What if my bed talked to me in my sleep and reminded me that I had reasons to get up in the morning? What if God wasn't found in church, but found in me going to church? What if my diary wrote me? And what if that same old traditional summer wish that I've made every first day of summer at 11:11, "I wish that this summer will be the best summer ever."... What if this time, the summer had actually made a wish on me? "I wish that this Shelley will be the best Shelley ever."... And what if that wish was granted?

It was granted. It was. I was back. And I wasn't just back, I was better. I was the best Shelley ever. And it was real. No matter what, no matter if I ever see me again, I know, I know, I KNOW it was real. The realest thing in the world. And now the realest thing in the world is, once again, just the shadow of a girl I used to know. And be. The me I wish I was. The me I was meant to be. The me I'm not.

So if it wasn't the medicine after all, what am I supposed to do now? Where do I find another magic skateboard? When will I come across another wishing well? How am I supposed to get out of bed in the morning when I don't have a single damn reason to anymore? But there's one question that is really the only one I need to know... Why did God give it all back just to take it all away again? But I know the answer.

The answer is, he didn't. He didn't give or take anything because he can't; he's not real. Just another thing that, like me, doesn't exist anymore. God and I burned down together in that wishing well of fire, and I am just the leftover ashes. Ashes of a life that was, and a God that cared, and a world that loved, and a girl that laughed. And a magic skateboard.

Tell me what pills can fix that.

For the last few days, I've been really home-sick for International. I don't know why, but I feel like I'm upset about it for the first time since the fire happened. Maybe I've been in that denial stage of grief all this time, because for the past six months, I haven't really felt devestated about it. But now all of a sudden, I'm distraught and it's all I can see when I close my eyes. I don't know why it's coming up just now. I wish it would stop. I wish I didn't care. I wish I could let go. I wish I could forget. I wish it never happened. I wish I was home...

That is what landed me here, reluctantly asking for help from strangers because I can't afford anything - something I always thought I'd be on the other end of when I was growing up. Well, turns out some dreams don't come true.

6 months ago, I had everything. I wasn't making any more money than I am now, but I was rich with joy and happiness. I rejoiced constantly in knowing that my cup runneth over. I was blessed beyond what I deserved. I lived in an older, three bed/three bath apartment that I shared with my boyfriend Carlton, two roommates, Keith, and Drew, and usually Keith's girlfriend, Katlin, who basically lived there too. It wasn't what some would call 'nice', but to me it was perfect; it was home. My roommates, whom I didn't know before moving in, had become my family, and our neighbors became our best friends, who came over daily. Growing up in a family of five, with parents who had never divorced, a little sister, a little brother, and a slew of pets, made me accustomed to someone always being around. Due to that, I guess I've always had a subtle, sub-concious fear of being by myself, and my defense mechanism is to shut myself off from the world and sleep. Some days when Carlton was at work and I was left by myself, I didn't feel like getting out of bed, or doing anything but mope around in my room alone, so I'd lock my doors, and hide behind a pair of blue curtains that hung in place of the blinds my dog had eaten. But on those days, I never even had a chance to be depressed because, like my family, there was always someone who showed up to knock on my door for as long as it took until I finally gave up on pretending to be asleep, and was forced to get up and be social. I fell for it every time. I always planned on answering the door, telling them I was sleeping, and then going back to moping. But they wouldn't let me. "I just have to talk to you for a second." turned every would-be lonely day, into a day of laughter, video games, and happiness, everytime. I never did figure out how they knew when I was hiding and needed to be dragged out of my troubles, but I always figured there must have been some gap that I'd missed when closing those big, blue curtains. We all took care of each other. Carlton and I didn't have a car, but we had bikes, and his job, grocery stores, fast food, and almost anything, was within a ten minute bike-ride at most. Divided between our roommates, our portion of rent plus utilities was an unbelievably low amount, but the apartment wasn't run down at all, or in a bad part of town, and it was HUGE. It wasn't new and elegant like other apartments, but we weren't paying for a fancy paint job. We were paying for things that actually mattered - things that the fancy-new-paint-job apartments just don't have. We lived on the first floor, and never had to trudge up a flight or two of stairs with groceries falling from our hands. We each had our own front door, thermostat, hot water heater, two closets plus a linen closet, and full bathroom in our rooms, except Drew's, which was just outside his room. Before moving in, I was excited about all the privacy-potential our room would have, because I was worried it might be awkward to share a living situation with people I'd never met. But little did I know that we would all become so much like family, that the doors to our rooms were rarely closed, and we shared everything, including TVs, game consoles, and furniture that we all kept in the living room so it was accessible to everyone. We had family meals together, went places together, had video gaming tournaments that everyone came over to participate in, and every weekend we had "Game-Day" which was our favorite tradition - our friends came over with food and drinks, and we'd all dress up in our favorite teams' football jerseys and gather around the TV together to cheer on our teams. So poor in money, but rich in joy; I had everything. I was happy. But then it changed.

It all happened so fast, but it's not a blur. No, I can remember every scene, every feeling, and every moment of that night vividly - I always will. We were gathered in Drew's room playing video games. Then we were in the kitchen refilling the ice trays. Then we were looking up what was supposed to happen in "the end of the world" out of curiosity (it was the night before the Mayan's predicted the world would end - we didn't buy into it). "It starts with fire." That was the first line in the article that I'd found online about the Mayan prophecy. It went on to tell about what would happen after the fires started, but I didn't read much more because frankly, I didn't believe it enough to care. I announced how the world was supposed to end to my friends and roommates, and then, a little before midnight, I went to my room to go to sleep, and closed those blue curtains - for the last time. Just after midnight, on the eve of the end of the world, we awoke to pounding on our door - by firemen. What happened in the next few hours is pointless to talk about now.

I went to sleep around 7am, and dreamed that we were all in the living room in our jerseys, laughing, cheering, commiserating when needed - another good old Game Day - and my team was winning. But I never got to see them win, because I was pulled away from the living room I knew and the people I loved, by my cousin waking me up to take us to a church where the Red Cross was compiling donations - for me. I can't explain the feeling that panged in my chest upon hearing the words 'Red Cross', or opening my eyes to walls that were not mine, other than just to say 'sinking'. With each second, my dream grew more distant; with each breath, everything became more real; with each word about donations and disaster-relief that my cousin spoke, panic welled up inside of me - as if there was any way to save it now; and with each glance around the house that was not my home, my home existed less and less. My whole apartment had burned down the night before, but my home didn't burn down until I woke up. And when it burned, it burned away little by little. A glance at my cousin's bed, burned my bed down; the feel of the unfamiliar blanket, turned my blanket to ashes; a look at the one closet in my cousin's room, burned all three of my closets away; everything I saw, made something disappear. A turn of my head, and my room was gone; a blink of an eye, and a lifetime of pictures and scrapbooked-memories faded as if they'd never been there; a touch of the wall, and suddenly all of my walls fell down, and my apartment collapsed. Just like that. My home was gone. And it was no more. But the second my cousin hugged me and handed me a toothbrush, toothpaste, a bar of soap, a pair of hotel-sized bottles of shampoo and conditioner, and a washcloth, all packed into a plastic, white bag that said "Red Cross Disaster Relief" on it, my sinking feeling vanished just as quickly as my home had, and was replaced with nothing - also like my home. I was numb when I brushed my teeth with the strange toothbrush; I was numb when I went to talk to the Red Cross; I was numb while I searched racks of donated clothes for things to wear - they said, "Take as much as you want." I didn't take much. - I was numb. Then they took me back to the place where I'd lived no more than 24 hours before, because I wanted to see. They said it was a bad idea, but I had to look - I just had to know. That's when I found out exactly what was left, and it was nothing at all. Three buildings in the complex were now no more than a seared pit of black dust with smoke still coming up from the last of the embers, and somewhere in there, at the edge of the pit, near someone's charred truck, was a little corner of dust that held my attention. My dust. And I was numb. No tears were dropped, no words were uttered, no emotions were felt - just numb. Three buildings were burned to the ground. Three buildings, all gone. Not a thing was left standing at all, except one little part of someone's wall, which was no more than a few bricks, the frame of a glass-less window - and one small, singed piece of a blue curtain. Numb.

And it started with fire.

22 mins ago it was my 22nd birthday.
My head aches. Sadly, not from drinking or doing drugs. Just from life.

A fire started in a movie that I was watching today, and the sprinkler system in the building turned on. It sprayed all over the people in the building, and soaked all of their belongings. The people were dripping and upset. Everything was drenched. And that's when I saw it. I saw myself in another life. An alternative scenario. A different possible outcome. I saw the fire start in the apartment upstairs, next to ours. I saw the sprinkler system (which in this universe, had been removed 20 years prior due to expense issues) turn on and start to spray water all over all of our things. I saw myself and Carlton getting drenched and rushing around the house to start dragging out our electronics and important papers. I saw Keith struggling to save his TV and PS3 from the water. I saw Rylie, Grendel, and Halie dart under tables to shield themselves from the rainstorm happening in our apartment. I saw annoyed neighbors running out into the streets dragging their valuable belongings with them - so as not to get water damaged. I saw the same faces of the firemen that had been there that night, and I saw the same neighbors, all scrambling to save whatever material possessions they could. I saw it all, just as I had seen it that night... And then I saw the fire cease. I saw the flames recede. I saw the smoke fizzle out. I saw the firemen climb off their ladders and alert the gathering of residents that the fire had been put out. And the three buildings that I'd seen burn to the ground, stood tall and unharmed, except for a little water damage... I stood in that parking lot across from building 13, and knowing what I know, I watched in disbelief as my friends and neighbors returned to their homes to try to figure out which of their belongings had been damaged by the sprinklers. I saw our front doors being opened, and firemen shaking hands. I saw smiles, I saw small-talk, and I saw a lot of tired, irritated people. I watched these displeased people return to their homes, and I watched the parking lot empty and return back to normal. And as I watched the fire trucks disappear down the street, not more than half an hour after they'd arrived, I heard some voices speaking loudly and angrily, and I turned to see what was going on. That's when I saw me. A lump in my throat formed instantly, and in slow motion, I watched myself cuss and yell at the air. I watched Carlton grab my hand and lead me back inside with an upset look on his face, and I saw the anger in my eyes as I stormed back into my fully-standing, unharmed house. I peered through our window - which was still there as if nothing had ever happened - and saw Grendel and Halie, with their hair standing on end, shake themselves off and lay back down. I saw Rylie whimper, and Carlton shake off his wet clothes, and I saw myself glance around the room at everything that had been rained on, and dawn a tired, frustrated expression. Then I saw myself sit down on my bed - the bed that I know is in ashes - and rest my head in my hands. I knew what I was thinking. I knew that I was upset. And I knew that I had no idea what could have happened, and no idea how lucky I was to even have a bed to sit on - wet or not. Then the night ended and the sun came up and I saw the neighbors come out of their front doors which still stood, and walk through the alleys full of green grass and usher their children off to school. I saw our upstairs neighbors put their daughters on the school bus, and groan to each other about the dreadful night before, while walking back to their doorsteps, and into the doors that I know don't exist in my world anymore. I saw time pass and people complain. I saw our friends come over and sit with us in our living room - our same old, untouched living room without a single beer can missing - and talk about how crazy and terrible that night was. And in this vision, I saw three buildings of people who were burdened and unhappy because of the sprinkler system that had gone off... And I was in shock. My vision ended and I was transported back to real life - where I sat in my living room in Jonestown, watching a movie, because my house and all of my possessions had burned down that night. If the sprinkler system had never been taken out 20 years ago, everything would be different. I would be sitting in my apartment at International right now, probably playing Madden or Beer Pong with my friends, unaware that somewhere out there is another universe where that night had turned out drastically different. That thought broke my heart. So I sat there and felt sorry for myself. I sat there and hated my other-life-self for not realizing how good she has it, and I sat thinking to myself about how spoiled she was because compared to me, she had lost nothing. I am the unlucky one. I am living in the universe with the negative outcome, and I am the one who is the victim... But then something hit me, and a small burst of insight came to my mind, and with it came another vision. Another vision of the night of the fire... Everything was the same. I watched the fire start again, I watched the commotion, I watched the fire trucks roll in one by one. I watched as Carlton, Keith, and I carried our three pets out. This I'd all seen before. I watched the part where Grendel jumped out of my arms and darted away. I saw the anguish on my face. I knew the story, and I knew what came next. I watched myself run back to the apartment, against the urging of my friends, and I watched as I looked for Grendel. But Grendel wasn't there. That was wrong. That wasn't the way it had happened. I saw myself look into the bush in front of my porch where I had found Grendel on that night, and come away empty handed. Then I saw fire-fighters start to instruct me to leave, and I saw myself protest. Again in slow motion, I saw myself begging them to let me find my cat. I saw the panic in my face, I saw the tears in my eyes, and I saw them force me back into the parking lot with everyone else. Then I watched in horror as Keith and Carlton walked over to me, without Rylie and Halie in their arms, speaking to me while shaking their heads. Then I saw myself burst into tears, and crumple to the ground on the curb, crying uncontrollably as the flames devoured my home behind me. I felt my heart sink, and cold realization come over me while I watched myself trembling there on the concrete. When I turned back to face the building, I saw what I'd already feared; firemen running frantically up the stairs next to my apartment, while my neighbors who lived there screamed and pointed helplessly toward the second floor, with only one of their daughters huddled in their arms... And looking farther into the vision, all I could see was agony on the faces of my friends and neighbors; and none of it was because of stuff. Then just as in my other vision, the fire ceased and the sun came up, but this time the fire trucks remained. In the daylight I could see smoke rising from the pile of ashes where just yesterday three tall buildings had stood. That was no different than in real life. What was different, was the feel of it all. Even though I wasn't a part of this universe, I could somehow sense that things were far, far different than in my own. Everything felt a little colder, a little darker, a little less hopeful. I watched time pass again, but in this scenario instead of bringing complaints and irritated faces, it brought wreaths of flowers hanging on the fence around the investigation site, and on them were the names of people. I saw people gather at the fence and peer through the holes, just like I've seen people do there in real life. But the looks in their eyes were slightly different. Somehow the look in the eyes of people mourning other people, is very different from the looks I've seen in the eyes of people mourning their stuff. In the place of annoyance on my neighbors' faces, I saw only sorrow. And instead of three buildings of inconvenienced people, I saw three buildings of people holding bouquets of flowers and pictures of loved ones in their hands. Unlike my pain, these peoples' pain was deep and unable to be fixed. They felt it in their hearts, not their wallets. And on the news, where I'd seen segments about donations and rebuilding, there were images of funeral processions and losses that no amount of donations could ever fix. And somewhere among all the despair and sadness, I found myself. I was sitting in my living room in Jonestown, watching a movie, exactly the same as in real life. But in this scene, my gaze laid somewhere beyond the TV screen, and held a certain emptiness inside. Carlton was sitting beside me, and everything appeared to be normal. I couldn't put my finger on what was wrong. But at that moment my childhood cat Bart, jumped onto the couch beside us and when I saw the look in my eyes when I turned to pet her, I knew right away. A loving stroke, a distance in my expression, and a gentle hand placed on my back... There was no irritation or anger on my face. There was only regret. The soft, silent regret of things that had been taken for granted. I could see that the last thing on my mind was things. I watched myself close my eyes, and wish for a re-do, wish for things to have gone differently. I didn't wish for the fire not to have happened, but for the lives to have been saved. I wished that all of the families had made it out safely; together. And I wished that my pets had survived. I didn't hear myself wish for anything other than lives. Then I saw myself open my eyes and turn back to the movie. The vision ended and I was once again back in real life. Real life, where Halie was curled up next to me purring, and Rylie was playing with Rocky on the floor in front of me. Real life, where Grendel was on the coffee table drinking my chocolate milk, and driving me crazy. Real life, where somewhere out there are three buildings of inconvenienced people, who will never know just how close they came to facing a different outcome to the same scenario; an ending that could have contained a sprinkler system and some frustration over water-logged pictures in their homes, or an ending that could have contained funeral arrangements and broken hearts. This ending falls somewhere in the middle. Somewhere between inconvenience and heartbreak is where I live now. And although some items damaged by a sprinkler system would have been a nicer outcome, that's not the way it happened, so there's no use wishing it was. I finished watching the movie with all the happiness in the world in my heart, and a small prayer for our counterparts who are living somewhere in alternate universes where everything looks the same, but is very, very different.

Suddenly sprinklers don't matter as much to me anymore.

A dog growls.
Some wine spills.
The fire crackles.
Splash.
I sink under water.
And it's another one of those moments. One of those Fort-Lauderdale-Florida-Ramada-Inn-2005 perfect moments. In June of 2005, I was swimming in a pool late at night at a Ramada Inn in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, when I sunk under water and screamed. I simply could not contain my joy and utter happiness any longer. It was the first time in my life, that time stood still. I know it did. I can remember that moment like it was yesterday. And in my mind it will always be yesterday. Never far from my thoughts, it was recorded in my mind; my heart; my diary; my Xanga; my life, as a perfect moment. I sunk under water and screamed. Happiness had just overflowed in my veins and I needed an outlet to relieve the pressure. Of joy. Bubbles shot to the surface as the air in my lungs depleted, and it was in that moment that I first knew what they meant when they say that there are just some times in life when time really does stand still. It happened.
But this is 2013 and I'm not here to retell that same old summer story that this Xanga knows by heart. This is about right now. Five minutes ago. Sitting in the brown recliner in the living room. Like swimming in a hotel pool, it never comes expectantly. If I've learned anything about perfect moments, it's that they aren't anything like in the movies. They aren't always on a sunny day, and in my experience doves have never flown above my head in the air. They come in the form of a regular hotel pool; a dirty green bandana; nights spent sleeping in a truck; the way it feels to laugh harder than ever in the middle of a trashed apartment with all of your friends. Perfection is never perfect. It's dirty and flawed and wonderful. And if it goes under-appreciated, it ruins your life. I realize this from time to time.
I was sitting on the brown recliner in my living room in Jonestown around one in the morning, when I looked around the room. I could hear the fire in our fireplace crackling in the background, I could still feel the cold, wet wine I had just spilled on my shirt, and on the blue couch by the window, Nick and Carlton were sitting side by side playing Call Of Duty Black Ops together. Carlton's little brother lives far away in a different state, and he doesn't see him more than once or twice a year. Nick has begged for a brother since the day he could talk, and he's always been the most troublesome kid in the world. Peaceful is not a word that has ever been used in the same sentence as Nick. Yet here they were, acting like brothers, enthralled in their game with no idea that I was watching them. Carlton was living in the same house as his fifteen year old, new-found best friend. And my little brother Nick, one of the few people in this world who I would die for, looked happy. He hasn't thrown a fit since Carlton has been around. Nick has been switched from medicine to medicine for years and none has ever seemed to calm him down or set him straight. He's always been troubled as hell, and he's always broken my heart with worry for him. But in that moment I saw in his eyes, what only a big sister could see; he was happy; he was calm. And it brought God-damn tears to my eyes. Nick is happy. Something I've always wanted. And on either end of the couch in the middle of the room, sat Mom and Cassie, peacefully watching a show together. Nothing new there, but just being able to watch two more of the few people in this world who I would give anything at all for, sitting in the same room as me, made gratefulness warm up my heart. I don't know how many times I've sat in this living room with them before, and I don't know how many more times I will. But right here, right now, they are beside me and I realized that that's far more meaningful than I recognize most of the time. And on the floor were Rocky and Rylie, growling happily at each other while playing their hearts out. Rylie hasn't had a dog-friend since he moved from his last home in July, and Rocky hasn't had a dog-friend since Sammie... Now their loneliness is gone and the excitement in their eyes isn't any less than the excitement in the eyes of any person. I couldn't see him, but I knew Dad was in his room sleeping safe and sound where he lies every night, like how I know God, though I can't see him, is somewhere out there keeping a loving eye on me. And in that moment, in my parents' modest home where I grew up, in the midst of living on their couch because our house and everything we owned is now in ashes, I knew undoubtedly that this was another perfect moment. Time stood still and my heart took a snapshot of the comfort in the knowledge that my mother, father, and sister were just feet away; a snapshot of Carlton being present in the home where I've grown up, not as a guest, but as a family member; a snapshot of two happy dogs; a snapshot of peace on my brother's face. And another snapshot of peace on my brother's face. This is the snapshot of perfection in the purest form. I don't have more than a couch to call home, and everything I own is now just a pile of dust, but tonight, I have everything I've ever wanted. And it's all in that peacefulness in my brother's eyes. That's all it took to make me realize I am happy. And I am grateful. And I know this won't and can't last forever, but right now I am living in perfection. Pure, raw, ugly, unconventional, flawed, perfection. I just couldn't ask for more.
And just now, in the comfort of the only home I've really ever known, a dog growled, some wine spilled, the fire crackled, and I sunk under water.

Yup, it's that time again!!

Okay first of all I am sorry for being MIA lately, I have good reasons, (like my house burning down - more about that later, don't worry, not the Jtown house - nothing can take that down.) But anyways! If you're familiar with my Xanga at all then you know what this is: my traditional New Years Eve survey! I have had this tradition every year since 2008, and each year I post all of the previous year's surveys before the new answers, but it's now gotten way too long to do that in one post, so instead this year I am just including the link to the prior ones. No cheating! You must abide by the same rule I do, which is to read the previous surveys before the new one. So here's the link: http://true-dry-ice.xanga.com/758061960/traditional-new-years-survey-sorry-its-late/ Enjoy!

And here are this year's answers:

Survey one: A Revie​w of 2012

1) Where​ did you begin​ 2012 and with who?
In Victoria with Nana and Sammie. And constantly texting Carlton...

2) What was your statu​s by Valen​tine'​s Day?
In a relationship with Carlton! (He came to Victoria all the way from Huntsville to climb to my roof and sneak in my window and spend Valentine's day with me. Just like in the fairy tales!)

3) Were you in schoo​l anyti​me this year?​
Not even a little bit! (Unless you count my online TABC course which I cheated on. Ha!

4) How did you earn your money​?​
Bartending at Amnesia and the Mansion! (Fun)

5) Did you have to go to the hospi​tal?​
Nope!

6) Did you have any encou​nters​ with the polic​e?​
Too many house parties and black-out nights to begin to mention them all...

7) Where​ did you go on vacat​ion?​
Huntsville, New Mexico, !!COLORADO!!, Crockett.

8) What did you purch​ase that was over $​1000?​
Our apartment in June.

9) Did you know anybo​dy who got marri​ed?​
Yeah, Carlton's friend Brady and his wife. And Brittany and Michael just got engaged on the 6th!! Guess who the maid of honor is!! (This girl!!)

10) Did you know anybo​dy who passe​d away?​
Sammie... But I'm not even gonna go there right now.

11) Did you move anywh​ere?​
Victoria - Zilker Park
Zilker Park - Jtown
Jtown - International Residence Apartments! </3
International Res - Jtown

12) How many times did you get your heart​ broke​n?​
Once in June when Sammie died, and there has never been any greater heartbreak for me. Ever.

13) Are you regis​tered​ to vote?​
No. >:(

14) Who did you want to win Big Broth​er?​
I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS IS!!!!!!!

15) Did you make or lose a best f​riend​?​
Just held onto my best friend and boyfriend, Carlton. Lost touch with Britt but now we're back on track! And completely lost touch with Sam. Also a bunch of our roomies and neighbors became pretty much like my best friends and basically family. The biggest were Keith and Deric. Franklin also is still a best friend.

16) What'​s one thing​ you thoug​ht you'​d never​ do but did in 2011?​
Live in a truck in Zilker Park with no money at all and be the happiest I've EVER been.
Fall in real love for the first time in my life.
Live my dream-life. The YOLO life.
Lose Sammie...
Go to Colorado.
Watch PEYTON MANNING lead the Broncos to such success!!

17) What has been your favor​ite momen​t?​
The night at Epoch when I first realized I was in love with Carlton. That was the single most perfect moment in my life. I was writing about it on Xanga while it happened...

18) What'​s somet​hing you learn​ed about​ yours​elf?​
I can rise from the ashes. No matter what.

19) Any new addit​ions to your famil​y?​
Carlton! And all of Carlton's family, our roomies Keith and Drew, our pets Rylie, Halie and Grendel.

20) Your best month​?​
March!!!!! <3 South By month.

21) Made new frien​ds?​
More than I've ever made in a year in my life.

22) Best NEW frien​d?​
Damn, hard to say. It's a tie between um, everyone.

23) Favor​ite Night​ out?
That Epoch night.

24) Somet​hing you look forwa​rd to befor​e 2012 ends?​
Kissing Carlton at midnight (in five mins!)

25) What's​ one thing​ you're​ looki​ng fowar​d to?
The answer to this question has been the same every single year:
"This Summer."
But for the first time ever I'm changing my answer to this: SXSW!!

26) What are you not looki​ng fowar​d to?
Playing Tom Gaydy and the Gaytriots on Sunday.

Survey two: Life Survey.

Was your last kiss a mista​ke?​
Not in the slightest bit. Kissing Carlton is never a mistake.

Do you belie​ve in God?
(Last year's answer just confused the hell out of me: I believe in Him because he believes in me. He believes in me because I believe in Him.) Um. What?

Who did you last say "I love you" to?
Car!

What'​s your ringt​one?​
(Last year's answer is still the same hahaha: The NFL theme song, haha. Love it.)
But my special ringtone for Carlton is our song We Are Young by FUN

Have a best frien​d?​
Always and forever the same answer: Brittany freaking Joslin.
But also Car of course, Camille, Jenni, and the usuals, etc.

Have an enemy​?​
Tim Whorton.

What did you last drink​?​
Miller Lite fav drink!

Last call?​
(Last year's answer was: Carlton last night, haha.)
and this year's answer is: Carlton, earlier tonight, haha.

Has anyon​e ever told you that you have prett​y eyes?​
Car!

Do you have an attit​ude?​
Hope so, what kind of person has no attitude? What am I, a piece of bread?

Do you hate anyon​e at the momen​t?​
Bleh, I think I might be outgrowing this question.

Do you miss someo​ne?​
Always.

What are you doing​ tomor​row?​
Spending Carlton's day off with him tomorrow probably house-hunting, and maybe partying later with him and Keith.

What about​ this weeke​nd?​
Freaking out about playing the Patriots on Sunday, then watching the Broncos play the Patriots on Sunday. FUCK! (Next year by this time I will have already seen the outcome of this game... Dang! Crazy to think about!!)

If there​ was a large​ spide​r in the room,​ would​ you stay?​
Depends on if Carlton needs me to rescue him from it or not. Ha

How exact​ly are you feeli​ng?​
SO not confused, but still so in love with life. And Carlton. (If I could have seen this answer last year, I would be incredibly excited, but not the least bit surprised.)

Do you regre​t anyth​ing from your past?​
Just one.

What are you liste​ning to?
Nick and Carlton playing Black Ops beside me.

Do you cry a lot?
Comes and goes.

Do you type fast?​
(Same answer) Only when I'm typing about a subject I love.

Do you have pierc​ings?​
Ears and FINALLY now belly button! And debating on a little silver stud in my nose, but idk.

Can you spell​ well?​
Well. Boom. Just did. (Ha, same answer. Good job, past-me. You just cracked now-me up.)

The phone​ rings​ what do you say?
YOLO?

Will you ever kiss the last perso​n you kisse​d again​?​
Yes, probably within the next minute...........Yup, I was right.

How many place​s have you lived​?​
No freaking idea anymore.

How many myspa​ce frien​ds do you have?​
Twitter: 3550 followers.
Facebook: Who cares?
Myspace: Sounds familiar, but can't recall what that is.

Do you have nice handw​ritin​g?​
When Concerta.

What time are you getti​ng up tomor​row?​
Coincides with what time the drunk kicks in.

Are you secre​tly likin​g someo​ne?​
Nope, it's def not a secret... Anymore.

Are you in a good mood?​
Yes, and still for the exact same reason as last year! I love this! I hope next year's answers are the same!

Where​ is your cat at?
Haha Halie literally just jumped up on the desk beside me right after I read this question. Aw, she's such a sweetheart. And Grendel is probably off somewhere doing Grendel-like things. And I am sure I don't wanna know what that is.

Have you ever walke​d outsi​de in the rain?​
A lot this year. The best time was when me and Carlton were at Jenni and Blaine's house (before the divorce ) and he went to go get our suitcases in from the bed of his truck, and I followed him outside without him knowing it and chased him through the parking lot in the rain and we kissed and both got SOAKED within seconds. And it was the best reason to ruin my makeup ever. And that was also the first time I ever realized why kissing in the rain is such a big deal to girls. That was freaking amazing. Good times.

What is tomor​row?​
Jan 1st, well technically Jan 2nd, Jenni's bday!

What'​s your middl​e name?​
Joyce. (This is a pointless question to re-answer every year. Maybe I'll change my middle name to YOLO or something so I can finally have a different answer next year.)

Do you play the Wii?
Eh, it's alright.

Favor​ite color​?​
Amethyst, (my birthstone) yellow like frozen lemonade, that color in between green and blue when you can't tell if it's green or blue, and Barbie pink. (Same answer except I'm adding this: the color of his old neon green bandana after he'd worn it outside for a while and had sweat on it... So disgustingly adorable and sexy as hell.)

Do you belie​ve in true love?​
For the first time I can answer yes! With all my heart!

Do you like rolle​rcoas​ters that go upsid​e down?​
Yes, especially that one I was on all year, and the part during March when it went upside down for the first time was the best ride I've ever had.)

Are you bored​?​
No, just trying to hurry so Carlton will still be awake when I'm done. He always falls asleep way before me.

Do you want to get marri​ed?​
Sure. I've always wanted to get married, but now I really want to be married. Turns out there's a difference.

Would​ you chang​e your name?​
Only if I could keep my initials.

Are you ever paran​oid?​
Always and never. It's weird.

What is your zodia​c sign?​
Pisces. (How would this answer change?)

What would​ you say you'​ve been expos​ed to more,​ hate or love?​
Love, for sure. (Same answer.)

Are any of your texts​ in your inbox​ locke​d and why?
No, can't figure out how to do that.
And right now I don't really have any reason to anyway. (Same answer but for different reasons.)

Whats​ the last thing​ that made you laugh​ hard?​
Fireworks.

Is there​ that one guy/​girl that you'll alway​s have feeli​ngs for no matte​r what?​
Obviously. Which is a great thing.

How many cell phone​s have you had in your life?​
80 billion and one.

What are you doing​ right​ now?
Sitting in Jtown writing this and trying to keep Car awake.

When was the last time you were told you were cute?​
Just now. By Car. I asked him to tell me though, haha.

Any summe​r plans​ for 2011?​
Same as always: everything.

The last song you heard​?​
I am making Car call me right now so I can hear his ringtone which is our song We Are Young my fav!

How long can you go witho​ut your phone​?​
Months if I don't have one, only seconds if I have one. Haha which I do.

Were you happy​ when you woke up today​?​
Kinda. Me and Car had just made up after a fight so that was good, but I was still kinda scared about what was going on with us and he wasn't next to me like usual so I was mostly just worried and nervous. And just miserable.

Are you missi​ng someo​ne?​
Always.

Are you the young​est perso​n livin​g in your house​?​
No, right in between.

Have you ever quote​d a line from a movie​?​
Shake n bake!

Gummy​ bears​ or gummy​ worms​?​
I'm gonna go with bears this time.

Do you like candy​ corn?​
Meh.

Did you ever want to be a lawye​r?​
I've considered it, but can't say I've ever wanted to be one.

If there​ were no lette​rs on the keys on your keybo​ard could​ you still​ type?​
Not anymore actually. Wait, just did it so yes.

Do you have a bad tempe​r?​
THE WORST.

Do you still​ speak​ to any of your class​ mates​ from eleme​ntary​ schoo​l?​
Brittany Joslin!

Do you remem​ber the first​ rated​ R movie​ you saw?
(Same answer) Is Titanic rated R?
If not, The Butterfly Effect was the first one I ever saw in a Theatre at least.
Breonna's parents took me, Breonna, and Hallie to see it for her birthday.

What is one thing​ you spend​ way too much money​ on?
Food, clothes, makeup.

Do you belie​ve that there​'​s good in every​ body?​
I definitely do, even though sometimes it's hard to remember.

Anyth​ing you'​re curre​ntly looki​ng forwa​rd to?
Getting done with this survey so Carlton will stop complaining!! And also because I'd rather be hanging with him.

In winte​r,​ would​ you rathe​r wear jacke​ts or hoodi​es?​
Lately sweatshirts and cardigans, and not jackets or hoodies which isn't usually like me.

Do you wish you were somew​here else right​ now?
This year's answer has changed to no, but only because when I said yes last year, I wanted to be right where I am now. I love life.

Is there​ someo​ne in your life you don'​t want in it?
Hmmm, I can't think of anyone. Everyone I don't want in my life, I just stop having in my life. Duh.

What woke you up this morni​ng?​
Rylie I think.

In the past week have you cried​?​
Yeah.

What makes​ you not be able to sleep​?​​
Everything. I have never liked going to sleep, or waking up for that matter. Ha wtf.

Did you have a good day yeste​rday?​
NO

Do you like redbu​ll?
Nope, hate it.

Do you like voice​mails​?​
Only from certain people.

Who's your last text from?​
Carlton. (same answer.)