January 9, 2015

  • Written on Jan 4th 2015

    Last night I couldn't sleep until I finally gave in and railed some Hydroxyzine around 4am and eventually passed out. So this morning I could not wake up to save my life, however I had to go to church, so I concocted a plan while I laid in bed before getting up, and I went downstairs and staged an incredible "sick" performance for Nana, who said I didn't have to go to church with her since I was feeling sick and she told me to go back to bed and get my rest. I happily went back upstairs and laid down, only to realize to my dismay that going back to sleep wasn't going to happen. I laid there for about ten minutes in denial about what I knew I was going to do. Then I hopped up and started getting ready for church. Once I was ready, I went downstairs and told Nana that I was feeling better and wanted to go to church after all. Then we piled in the car and drove to church where I saw all my friends and the people who have watched me grow up, and I sang wholeheartedly in the choir while wearing my favorite "eve outfit", which I named that because I wore it on New Years Eve and Christmas Eve and it was a big hit both times. I tried to really focus on the message and the words of the sermon, and I tried to remind myself how appreciative I am for everyone in that church because they are so important to me, all of these people who have been here my whole life for the most part, who are still there, and still telling me how beautiful and treasured I am. It's very hard not to get a big head in church though when everyone is always treating me like a little princess. I mean, I am a little princess, but still. :) I am trying to really do everything I can to make this year a better year, and that starts with making myself a better me. I have shunned God from my life and my heart for too long now, and no, I don't know if He is real or not, but it couldn't hurt to believe He is, right? I need to make a fresh start at a clean come back, and I can't do that without the help of a higher power. I just want to be at peace again. I don’t want a year or a lifetime of happiness and bliss filling up every moment, I mean that would be great, but that's impossible. I'm not a fool, and I know that that's not something practical to wish for because it's just not something that anyone could ever have… There is a difference between being happy and being at peace. Being at peace means that you are at peace in times of happiness and times of sadness. Not being at peace means that you can be sad and you can be happy, but neither is fulfilling without a foundation of peacefulness behind it. In 2012 when I was at peace, I had my share of bad times. I had terrible days, I cried, things didn't always go my way, none of that was any different. The difference was that behind those times, I still knew that I was at peace and that things would be okay. In the last two years, I always say they were hell on earth, and that's true. But it doesn't mean that there weren't happy days. I had times when things went my way, I smiled a lot. Things weren't always all "bad". But there never was that sense of peace behind any of it. So the bad days weren't bad days that would be overcome, but just plain bad days. And the good days, were days where okay, I might have been happy, but those days were almost even more painful because there was no peace behind them… Because it hurts to be sad. But it hurts - IT FUCKING HURTS - to be happy, when you know you could be happier. THAT is what sad is. Everyone gets sad sometimes. But only very troubled souls can be sad in times of happiness. I don't want happiness. I don't need happiness. Happiness can't fix anything because happiness is fleeting. What I need more than anything, is to be at peace again. Because it's amazing to be happy. But it's amazing - IT'S FUCKING AMAZING - to be happy and at peace. I think I can almost remember what that feels like, but then again it's just a distant memory now… I wonder if I'll ever get it back? But whether or not I get it back this year is a mute point because there's just no way to know for sure what this sea of life has in store for me. All I know is that…. I could have stayed home this morning, I could have slept in. But something pulled me up and awoke my soul. Something reached out and said, it's time to give Shelley a hand. Let's help her up. It seems she's stuck. Let's bring her back, she's been so hurt. It will take some time, and it will take some work. But it all starts, with going to church.

    And then I watched the Colts beat the Bengals in a playoff game and now the Broncos are set to play the Colts at home in Denver next weekend and I am SHAKING IN MY BOOTS. The end. :)