I wish this tea could be enough again.
I wish this me could be tough again.
I wish this life wasn't so damn riddled with vices.
I wish I could write without drugs.
I wish I could be who I was.
I wish I could live in the past.
I wish the real things would last.
I wish Papa and Uncle Ben were here.
I wish I wasn't always living in fear.
I wish I could look in the mirror,
and see me staring back.
But I can't.

Well I'm back like a heart attack,
I fell down from cloud nine.
But the crash has lasted so long,
was it really worth the high?
Baby blowing smoke at me,
and I'm ready with my short straw.
And if you wanna play my game,
I think I've got some extra.

For times like these and nights like this,
got a little bag with a couple hits,
got my knees scraped up but my hair well done,
are you ready for some fun?
Time flies by and nights vanish,
And I can't take one more image,
of fire fighters fighting fire that just can't be un-lit.

Hello Xanga! Well let's see, I'm here in Victoria and I'm still rolling a little from doing a ton of molly last night with Matt and his roomies Mandy and Harry. They came over in Matt's truck after Nana went to bed and I went out behind the garage where they parked and we all sat in the truck and did drugs. Haha! It was fun. Today I woke up at 3:30pm and I could not believe that I didn't get in trouble for that. Nana didn't seem to care. I'm planning on going downstairs and vacuuming the house for her in a little bit because I want to help her out around here and that's a big job for a little old lady. But I can't seem to function soberly, so I chewed some Focalin beads first and now I am waiting for that to kick in before going down there and sealing my fate. If I say I am going to vacuum, I will have to vacuum right then. So I'm up here in my room waiting for the drugs to take hold before I go down there and start. I am so sluggish from all that molly last night that I need a stronger pick-me-up than coffee. ... Well, it's been five minutes and I still feel no differently than I did five minutes ago. I could wait patiently, or I could take more drugs. So... I'll be right back.

Hello Xanga! Thought I'd make some time for you again today. I'm trying to get back to daily posting. Well, let me take some pills and then I'll see about another update, how's that sound?! Later guyzeezz

Good morning, Xanga! It's about 12:31pm in Victoria right now, and I'm upstairs in my room just waking up. Normally this would be a bad hour to sleep until in Victoria, but I have strep throat and Nana has been pretty much allowing me to sleep constantly, which is exactly what I need because now it's finally starting to get better. My next dose of antibiotic is due in about ten minutes so I'm keeping busy a bit until then. Maybe I should take a little hit of weed. Usually that calms my nerves and right now my nerves are a little uppity. I feel like I'm pregnant with the way my mood keeps fluctuating. I want to cry out of both sadness and happiness at like everything on TV and I feel like yelling at anyone or any phone company who has wronged me. I honestly wish I was pregnant. But I'm not. Carlton and I have been trying to concieve since summer time. But no such luck has happened. I'm really worried that one of us is infertile. Wouldn't that just be MY luck?! I would be infuriated if I've gone through all this and waited so long for the right time and then I can't have kids?! I could have become infertile after using my Mirena IUD for three years. But also Carlton has never had any pregnancy scares that he knows of, so he could be infertile too. Ugh. Wouldn't it be terribly ironic if I had to end up adopting a kid because Carlton or I were infertile?! I don't think anyone in their right mind would give us a kid though, so I think we're gonna have to make one up on our own. Oh well. We haven't been living together consistently for a few months only because we can't, but hopefully within the next week we will be and then it will be easier to stay hot and heavy and baby ready. Anyways, I'm gonna go take some medicine and maybe take a small hit of weed, then head downstairs and see what's up. Lata!

Well Xanga, alas you are now completely what you've been dissolving into for almost a decade now... I will always remember the livelihood and popularity of Xanga that I experienced when I first signed up. It was like a boom-town filled with hustle and bustle, and it seemed that everyone had something to write... Myspace ate you up and Facebook spit you out, and Twitter's hounding at your heels. Once the top, you sure sunk to the bottom silently. But although Xangans have been realizing this for years now, what we didn't ever plan on was Xanga becoming so remote and abandoned, that even that tight-knit, always&forever community of the "true Xangans", (the ones who stayed), has now withered away to dust. Absolute dust. And I mean that in the very truest meaning of the word. Dusty, Xanga you're dusty, like walking through a deep closet of cobbwebs. It's like something out of a movie; all the traces of things that were once so filled with life, are still remaining, though faded and weathered. No more comments, no more posts, no more bonding with Xanga friends. But you can still see the marks of where the water rose. 2005 and flooded, everyone has changed and moved on by now. And even the very last of my remaining Xanga friends, have now vanished too. The very latest post on my feed from a friend is from last March... And that was written by a Xangan I thought would never leave. And you can't see the characters anymore, and you won't know how their stories end, but you can still see the dust of lives lived and kept safe in this corner of the internet. It begs the question, where did the time go?

I've been the best poster, the worst poster, the longest, the shortest, the strongest, the weakest, the truest... For years now I have felt that I am not as much myself because I don't post very often on Xanga, and that thought has put pressure on me to write, which then creates a terrible case of writer's-block. But through it all, thick and thin, even when Xanga seemed the farther away that it could ever be, there was always that part of me that knew in the end it would all come down to this... Me. Here. I stayed. It's been a long time coming, and I'm the last one standing. And although I'm barely hanging on by a thread, it is the one thread that can't break. I won't leave. I'll be here till the bitter end. I haven't posted as much as I should've in these past years, and I haven't been as true as I once was... But the screen name never lied. Like dry ice, my Xanga is mysterious, dangerous, and different. It always has been. And it's always been true. And I've always really been here. And if the time ever comes that Xanga and I part ways forever, it will be because Xanga officially, permanently shut down and won't let me have it back. Otherwise, even if I am the only one paying however much a year, I'll be here. I'll keep coming back. Just you wait. Some time may go by without posts or traces of me, but I will always come back. And if life can't even find me, there's one place it knows to look... When it all comes down to it, I'll be here. I'll be right here.

So I'm sitting in Strange Brew Coffee with Carlton at a table near the cold window, sipping a nice hot soy coffee that a stranger bought me. Carlton and I slept outside on a playground last night for the second night in a row and it was 53 degrees out there. We woke up at 5am and stumbled into this coffee shop like always, shivering and covered head to toe in scarves and sweaters. We obviously don't have money right now, so we made a difficult choice on which coffee to get since we could only afford one. Carlton is on a new no sugar diet, and I'm on the soymilk diet, so those interests conflict. Car can't have soymilk. So I settled for sharing an almond milk coffee with him instead. When Car ordered the coffee, Eli the barrista gave him a large for the price of a small, so that was really nice. Then an older gentlemen approached us and asked if we'd like him to buy us anything else right out of the blue. It was so sweet. So I got to get my soymilk coffee after all, and man is it delicious! Then the man left, but not before giving us a ten dollar bill because he said "it's cold out there!" I guess he knew we were homeless. That's somewhat embarrassing, but he obviously wasn't judgmental in any way so it wasn't awkward... Anyways, I've had this bad case of writer's block on Xanga for quite some time now, but this good deed has restored my words by giving me something to write about. I could write about why we're homeless right now, or how biting the cold was last night while I slept, or about any of the upcoming troubles of the day ahead, but instead right now I think I'll take this time to enjoy writing and reflecting on this lovely, warm, silky coffee right now that was kindly provided for me out of sincere generosity for a fellow human... Makes it taste so much sweeter too. Waking up and walking here was hell, and I thought the horrible start to my morning would set a negative tone for my whole long day ahead of me. But this experience just now has restored my faith in humanity and the kindness of strangers, and replaced my troubles and worries with hope and positive energy. What a wonderful start to a day... I don't know his name, and I don't know his story, but somewhere out there this morning is a kind stranger who doesn't know just how much he may have impacted in my life today. I have a dr appointment, a probation call to make, a job interview, Carlton is leaving for Crockett, I have to face my family who hates me, and I have to find somewhere to stay tonight without Carlton. I'm faced with all that and none of it seems as hopeless as it did on the freezing way here anymore. Wherever that man is now, please God, bestow on him a feeling of joy and let him know somehow that what he did is really, really, really being appreciated. Thank you. Gooooooooood morning!