July 13, 2014

  • Closer Than You Think

    Have you ever had a dream so vivid about a dead person whom you haven't seen in a while, that it made you wonder if dreams can connect with the afterlife? If that really was them in your dream that you were talking to? That wherever they are right now, they talked to you too? ...

    I saw Papa last night in my dream, and it was so him and so normal. He's been dead too long to be able to remember all those details while asleep, right? Most dreams are just dreams to me, but every once in a while I wake up and have an inner feeling that it was more than a dream, or that the characters were more than dreampt up by me. I woke up with that feeling, and I walked out into the living room with a cold feeling. He had just been right there, talking to me, laughing with me, telling me to hurry up for church... And then just like that, poof, he was gone.
    The morning sun was fresh in the sky outside my window, and I glanced at my phone. It was 9:43am on Sunday. If I was in Victoria, I would be arriving at the church right then. If Papa was still alive, he'd have gotten us there at 9:30am instead, due to his ever-fast, but always good, driving. The thought of that made me cry. It all seemed just like yesterday. Not abnormal. The feeling still shocks me about how familiar it still all is... Or would be.

    So I've been listening to a lot of Avenged Sevenfold since springtime... They remind me of Uncle Ben.. And when I say 'remind me', I mean that in the deepest, most complex, truest meaning ever... In fact, call me crazy, - thank God there's no one left here to call me crazy - but I actually believe with all my heart, that there are certain songs out there that are actually my uncle talking specifically to me. And I feel like he's alive with me every time I listen to them. It gives me closure, reassurance, and an enormous feeling of protection. But of course there are the doubts, and the worldly perceptions I still hold onto, that this is impossible. But I get a different feeling every time I listen to these songs.. It's not all A7X songs, sometimes it's others.. Hurt by Trent Reznor, the version by Johnny Cash, was the first song that I felt was my uncle trying to speak to me beyond the grave. He told me once that it was a song he was proud of having just learned on his guitar. After his death, it took on a new meaning.
    Now I think that I have somewhat of a supernatural ability to connect with others - living and dead - through music. And that makes me happy. But it also makes me wonder...
    Where is Papa?
    Why can't I reach Papa?
    Is it a matter of finding him?
    Is he in any of the songs out there?
    Which one is right?
    How long will it take to find it?
    Where should I be searching?
    Are there any clues here to find it?
    Will he ever turn up?
    Will I ever talk to him again?
    Does he still exist?
    Was last night's dream really him?
    Is he still here?
    Is he closer than I think?
    ?