It never fails.
I have so much to say;
everything to say;
or just something to say...
Something true.
But it never fails;
I open Xanga;
my words won't work...
Never fails.
But this,
is this working?
Is anything working?
Am I still human?
It never fails...
The pez dispenser sure does seem to dispense a lot more often,
these days...
Don't pretend you haven't noticed.
No one needs another actor here.
Don't mention that you've noticed.
No one needs another hero here.
Just don't look the beast in the eyes,
nod along, fake your smiles,
and judge me dead all the while...
You can eat your heart out,
when you think your head in
crazy circles over and over me,
but when your heart gets sick,
and your head gets dizzy,
from all the work it took to try to calculate
how many different kinds of pez I ate,
and when they kicked in,
and if I'll kick out...
But it would spoil the end
if I gave that up now,
now please take your seat,
instead of a bow,
I just came for the pez,
and I'll stay till I drown.
And no one needs an intervention,
so when I roll over,
don't wake me, cause pez can really knock ya out...
Just do your act and look around;
grab a pez and wash it down.
Cause since pez, I've found,
that no one else needs backspace like I do,
these days.
Don't pretend you have noticed.
There's been nothing to notice.
There is no actor here.
I think there was once a girl here,
one much stronger than me,
but she hasn't been me in a while,
and word on the street is she's dead.
My best escape yet.
Escape from myself?
Huh... Wonder where I am?
if I still am out there somewhere at all, even...
There's no way to know for sure..
But I know where I am not:
I am not here;
not her;
not clinging to the pez dispenser;
not going mad;
not this;
not here;
I'm not.

When your eyes start
seeing double;
if your heart just
can't give up;
When your lies start
causing trouble;
if you think your
time's run up...
I've had enough.
I'm done.
I'm done.

These days, it seems like the only time I ever get anything accomplished is when I "Dumb-it-down" for myself...

My stomach hurts... Am I hungry? Am I angry? Am I sad? Am I bored? Am I scared? Am I terrified?

Yes.

And who am I talking to?

Well, I don't know.. I never have...

Will we end up publishing this?

Um, hopefully, maybe, but, no one knows for sure...

Who is "we" anyway?

Did I say too much?

Did I say enough?

Am I overkill?

I want to die.

I want to live.

I want to die.

I want to live.

I want -

I want -

...

I want
summer
time.
..
?

A good writer
who is also
a good sister
will never
include
her real-life siblings
in any of her stories
unless
she feels they are ready -
because,
a good writer
who is also
a good sister
knows
without-a-doubt
that anything she writes,
has the power to pursue,
and she knows
that the reasons stories sell,
is because they hurt-so-real;
and if you've ever
even
under
stood
just
what
the
hell
this
was
is
supposed
to
spill;

but,
I
guess
you
never
will.

...

Tough kill!

But if you happen to be,
no more than twenty three,
and a little excited,
and a little like me...
If you're a little revved-up,
and a little chalked-down -
if you flew south for the winter,
but stayed here for the sound;
whether you fought tooth and nail,
or you sold-out the first-night -
if your blue Cadillac breaks down;
or your heart gives in and dies;
and if your organs all sizzle
and you smell your brains frie....
If you !GODDAMNJUSTWANT! ;
NOTHINGELSEBUTTODIE ;
if this animal eats me -
if it fills me with lies ... or;
if it already has;
or if it already died;
If this carnival cracks me -
or if it kills me inside ... HOW
CAN I TELL IF THIS WORKS;
how can I keep up the fight?
And
why....
?
Just....
"Why?"

Well, why
don't you
go a-
head and
lie.
....
But;
I'm fine.
Fine.
Fine.
Fine.
Not lying.
Fine.

Fine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Ten-months-clean", felt nice;
but "ten-mgs-in", felt nicer...
And I guess sometimes you die -
in order to get higher...
And I guess some people burn inside;
and some get lit on fire...
But circles circle-on forever,
and flames erupt from lighters...
That you flicker with your friends;
such an eerie, hopeless laughter -
& Did you ever wonder if...?
This short-straw will be here after...?
You're gone...
You're gone...
You're gone...
You're wrong;
and dead!
?

Kid, now I know I promised you;
but we both know I can't help it;
and what's another bump or two?;
Through the nose of the most well-practiced?
I think I started this for good...
But who kept track of all this bullshit?
I see you hiding in the corner...
Kid, like you could kick this habit?
You couldn't.
Well, you couldn't.
So don't judge it.
Just fuck it.
So I scream, "YOU CAN HAVE IT!"
And laugh then;
just have it -
this habit.
My habit....
But give back -
my habit...
You can't have....
Don't grab it!
It's ALL MINE!
My habit.My habit.My habit.
Now give it.
I'm cracking.
So GIVE IT!
I'm cracked-up.
I'm cracked, love.
The cracked egg.
The cracked one.
My habit.
Just be done.
My habit.
Just
be
done
.
....

I woke up.
I did drugs.
I hung in.
I passed out.
*End day one*

I woke up.
I did drugs.
I hung in.
I passed out.
*End day two*

I woke up.
woke up
woke
wokewoke
woke
I I Iiiiiìiii.............
Woke up;
I didid
drugs; I
I HUNG
in...
in
ininin
I;
passed out.
I
I
I........

I woke up.
I did drugs.
I...didthedishes...
I hung in.
I passed out.
*End day 5280*

I woke up.
I did drugs.
I...tookashower...
I hung in.
I passed out.
*End day 5281*

I woke up.
I did drugs.
I...signedupforfreeimprovclassesdowntown...
I hung in.
I passed out.
*End day 5282*

I woke up.
And;
I was smiling.
And it was familiar.
And sweet.
And pure.
And true.
And dry.
And ice.
And dreamed.
And written.
But written.
It was written.
...
*End day *

I can't write.
I can't type.
I couldn't say.
I won't die.
I can't be,
I can't lie.
I can't do.
I can't deny.
I can't.
I can't.
I can't.
...
But I can,
write this.
And I can,
type this.
And I can,
say this.
And I will,
do this.
And I'll tell,
you this.
And I'll do,
myself in.
And I'll deny,
myself the win.
Then I can't;
so I won't;
so I don't;
so I can't;
so you're screwed;
so I'm dead;
now you're screwed;
and I'm dead;
and I'm dead;
and I'm dead;
brain-dead;
brain-dead;
brain-dead.

Feelings are fleeting;
the truth sticks...